July 14, 2011

Confirmed: Giants' Brian Wilson is straight

Really.
Brian Wilson is the insanely attention-hungry closer for the Giants baseball team -- you know, the one with the dyed black beard that looks so incredibly stupid. That's him on the left.

Dimwits often say he looks like a gay man. Well, I never believed that for one second. No gay man would wear a beard that looks like it was dipped in black shoe polish. (Not to mention the mohawk.) But today comes the ultimate confirmation that he is indeed straight. We know this from the outfit he wore to the ESPY awards. According to Celebrity Cafe:
The eccentric pitcher took to the red carpet in Los Angeles wearing a one-piece, spandex tuxedo and an orange bow tie. His accessories included white gloves, a cane, red socks and black sneakers.
Only a straight guy would combine orange and red in an outfit -- or in the colors for a playground or a shopping mall or a sports arena. If you see red with orange, you know that a straight person was in charge. It's utterly impossible for a gay man to commit this atrocious color crime. Therefore Brian Wilson is straight. End of story. Phew. I didn't like thinking he might be one of us -- not that I ever did, of course.

What do you think? Am I way off base and he's really just the most tasteless gay man who ever lived? I guess there's an outside chance . . . Nah!

10 comments:

cm said...

The beard looks like it might be hiding a birds nest. Like you said, either he is the most tasteless gay man ever or he's a tasteless straight man. Either way it doesn't matter. Bottom line - he's tasteless.

writenow said...

That's it in a nutshell.

kevinryanesq said...

Hmm, at the risk of blundering into your blog and offending my host, I must protest at your (for me heartbreaking) assertion that the beard cannot be gay, just because he doesn't exhibit stereotypical fashion tastes. I would like to suggest the following.
Fashion is beauty's whore. Things like "brown and blue never do" and "red and green shouldn't be seen" and your own disdain for "red and orange" are at best pedestrian notions of colour. Thank goodness that our forebears, artists and truly creative people never felt the need to conform to these pedestrian notions, and so doing, were able to create truly revolutionary art and live nonconformist lives. That fact that I find him so f***able may explain my outrage at your sartorial fascism. ;) Though in seriousness, I do despair that with our march toward acceptance, we as a community find our collective identity a more and more homogenised, mainstreamed, and IMHO banal one. Fear the beard...and Vive la difference x

writenow said...

I liked your comment, Kevin. You're right; we're all different. And since you brought it up, I find the guy repulsive in a sexual sense too. But it's great fun to watch him blow a save.

Anonymous said...

he's hungry alright . . . as in, starved for attention

Anonymous said...

Brian is a bear if he is gay. He even made the cover of a bear magazine a few months ago as a bearish celebrity. Gay bears are often bigger slobs than straight men are. Not saying Wilson is for-sure gay (though I'm convinced at least some of his LA friends are, but that's show business). But bad taste doesn't mean anything. He might even be trying to throw people off and not give him a label because all gay men in MLB are firmly closeted. It is a little strange he's had absolutely no girlfriend of note since he divorced his wife back in 2008.

writenow said...

Hmmm. Makes a lot of sense.

doogie said...

i hope you're being facetious. i live in sf, and i know quite a few gay men with horrendous fashion sense, ie: anybody with any sense of fashion knows that shoes are extremely important. i see gay men wearing skechers and vibram five fingers. and while these might be isolated the faux pas by men who otherwise dress plainly, i also see quite a few femmy ones who dress more colorfully and clash their colors. even positive stereotypes, like 'gay men are fashionable' are limiting, and i'm surprised that you would perpetuate this stereotype. i personally think BW is a cub.

writenow said...

Well, I'm from NY and all us gay folks handle color well here. I didn't realize things were different in the hinterlands. Live and learn.

Anonymous said...

I am a fashion hopeless gay man my self. Not a bear but an otter. I gladly let my husband pick out my clothes when we go shopping.

Its his beardless face that makes me think he is gay. Just my gaydar.