Pssst. Is a Satanic item on American store shelves?

Have you tried Glad Press'n Seal? If you have, I know you're as worried as I am. Humans couldn't have come up with a product like this on their own. And you know what that means. Oh, yes. Satan had a hand in this. If you don't believe me, go buy a package at the supermarket...if you dare.

Press'n Seal isn't like Glad Wrap or Saran Wrap, the traditional plastic wraps that are impossible for humans to use. Admit it: you tear off a sheet and almost immediately it sticks to itself. You try to separate the sheet from itself but you can't, so you throw it away and grab some more. On the fifth try, you're able to cover a dish with it. Now, that's a product made by humans.

But this product...(pardon me while I ward off the evil eye...spit, spit, spit)...was not made by man. Glad Press'n Seal -- I shudder to say the name -- is easy to use. So right there, you know it wasn't made by humans. Here are its sins:

1. It doesn't stick to itself
2. It rips nicely
3. It sticks immediately to anything you press it to

I'm a New Yorker, so I'm not easily fooled. The very first time I encountered this product, I knew it was Not Of This Earth. Nay, it's from down below. If you dare to try this product, I'm sure you'll agree that it was made by Satan.

666, ya'll.