Pope Francis says I'll go to heaven

Take that, bigots! The pope stated that atheists can go to heaven, as long as they're good.

LOS ANGELES, CA (Catholic Online) - The Holy Father is full of surprises, born of true and faithful humility. On Wednesday he declared that all people, not just Catholics, are redeemed through Jesus, even atheists.

However, he did emphasize there was a catch. Those people must still do good.

Well, obviously I'll make the cut. After all, I'm here every day, doing good by chronicling the appalling evil that is Christianity. By dedicating myself to fighting the church's filthy misogynists and anti-gay bigots, I am unequivocally doing good. No clear thinker can doubt this.

So if you're a wingnut reading this, know that I will greet you in the Afterlife. Boo-ya! Oh, wait a minute! Wingnuts won't get into heaven because they do bad, not good. Oh, well. I'll be there, anyway. At least we have that.