Too funny

Sorry for ducking out to write real stuff. But if I don't write my books, who will? You see the issue there? Anyway, I had to stop by today to put this on the blog,

SALT LAKE CITY — The Mormon church is warning a group of women pushing for gender equality that it will not be allowed to protest in Temple Square next month during a biannual conference.

The gall of those women -- seeking equality, of all things. Honestly! What the hell do they want that for?! It's scandalous, I tell you, scandalous. I love the Mormon church's explanation for barring the activities of this group (which is called Ordain Women, BTW):

The church says activist events detract from the sacred environment of the weekend conference in Salt Lake City.

Yes, that's what it must be -- the "sacred environment" suffers when women want to be equal to men. You know how god hates women that.

Religious twits. Deep down, they're all the same.

Polish exorcists are on the case. Have no fear!

There's a dumb story over at HuffPo. I know; that's not news. But if you want to find an idiotic religious article to blog about, HuffPo's a veritable goldmine. Today, I found a gem. It seems that Polish exorcists are looking into the "Madonna problem".

For years, international pop star Madonna has infuriated Catholics the world over with her unabashedly religion-tinged performances and songs that often play off Catholic imagery. But the singer's distinctive style has apparently crossed a line with an international community of exorcists, who plan on discussing the "Madonna problem" at their annual conference at a Polish monastery.

Well, I guess that's it for Madonna. Now that Polish exorcists are after her, she truly has nowhere to run. The poor dear!

"Part of the conference is dedicated to the hidden subliminal message in communication, and the choice of this subject was inspired by the woman who dares to call herself Madonna," Father Andrzej Grefkowic, an exorcist and conference organizer told The Telegraph. "We've been worried about her concerts." 

Indeed. We all worry about Madonna's concerts. Demon Waves probably shoot out of her head when she sings -- and they can be harmful! Let's hope these exorcists can rid the poor woman of her demonic hangers-on.

Seriously, Madonna has to love stuff like this. She's getting free, insane publicity from these loons. So how can I get these Polish exorcists to focus on me? I mean, I must have the devil inside me. Elsewise, how could I be an atheist blogger? And even more pointedly, how could I have written "Xmas Carol"?!! It just stands to reason that I am possessed. Horrors!

But of course, the real shock is that anyone living in the 21st Century could think the devil is real. That's the sort of belief that turns reality on its head -- needlessly, of course. There are no devils, kids. Not even one. Still, it must be terrifying to be a Catholic. I can't imagine living in a world where unseen enemies are always stalking you. Religion: it's the ultimate nightmare.

Clerics in space. Ugh.

In an article about the need for humanity to travel to the stars, I found this gem:

The 100 Year Starship project was founded with seed money from the Defense Advanced Research Projects agency (DARPA), and is now being run by Jemison's Dorothy Jemison Foundation for Excellence. The program's leaders aim to recruit not just scientists and engineers, but psychologists, sociologists, religious leaders and philosophers to help solve the problems posed by interstellar travel.

Indeed. And let's make it a priority of the first mission to the stars that they found a Vatican outpost or a large mosque the instant they arrive on a planet's surface. We must bring religion to those heathen aliens! It's the prime directive.

Ooo, ooo, ooo! And we absolutely need a church on the starship. It needn't occupy more than, say, 35% of the vessel's space. That should suffice.

It sure is good to see big thinkers including religion in plans for space voyages that will take place 100 years from now. But why not include astrologers? I hear they know everything about planets. And they could provide daily horoscopes for the crew. What a boon that would be!

Speaking of which . . .

Hat tip to Ed Brayton for supplying a written version of something I'd only seen in video:

Members of Providence Road Baptist Church are standing behind Pastor Charles Worley and the sermon he delivered earlier this month calling for the elimination of the gay population.

Geneva Sims said she’s been listening to Worley preach the Gospel since the 1970s. She wasn’t surprised by the 71-year-old pastor’s now infamous sermon. In fact, she supports him and his message.

“He had every right to say what he said about putting them in a pen and giving them food,” said Sims. “The Bible says they are worthy of death. He is preaching God’s word.

Providence Road Baptist Church member Stacey Pritchard agreed.

“Sometimes you’ve got to be scared straight,” she explained. “He is trying to save those people from Hell.”

Pritchard said Worley’s message isn’t one of hate. Instead, she interpreted it as tough love guided by Good Book.

Christians are just brimming with love, aren't they? I'll say it again: gay people are the world's Roma.

Why isn't life enough for some people?

Heaven (shudder).

I don't understand religious people's obsession with "the afterlife". Why isn't living enough? And more pointedly, why do they consider human life meaningless unless eternal life is waiting in the wings? I don't get it. These people need to get out more often.

Look at the universe we find ourselves in. It's a hostile place out there yet here we are, cozy and comfy on this warm blue marble of a world. There's water all over the place and tons of stuff to eat. Life is good.

Beyond this, we can't help but compare ourselves to the other life forms on this planet. They have it great, too; don't get me wrong. But we're the lucky ones, the creatures who can understand our world and manipulate it to improve our situation. Better yet, by studying the world around us we've discovered awesome things: general relativity, quantum mechanics, evolution, dark energy, dark matter and black holes! Woot!

As a species, we're sitting pretty (while ruining the planet, but that's another post). A human can have a very rewarding life on this planet. Yet somehow, all this is meaningless if there's no heaven? What is wrong with religious people?

John Lennon's lyric -- Imagine there's no heaven -- is ultimately silly. You don't need to imagine anything. Just open your eyes and what you see is a world without a heaven. You're in it, kid. Congratulations!

The problem in a nutshell

Grampa Homo Habilis.

In the comments on Greg Laden's blog, I found the following:

There was a sad statement in the one blog that read "I respect that you have a faith in a savior, that you even believe that you need a savior. But why is your faith so fragile that you are not willing to discover the actual facts of the long history of the human animal?"

I must say that this is one confused atheist/secular depressive. Humans are NOT animals. Humans are set apart from the animals. We are higher. We have a soul, animals do not., We are and will be accountable to our Creator on judgement day, animals will not. We are made lower than the angels but higher than the animal kingdon, made in God's own image.

Sadly, some people just do not get Gensis and it utmost importance. It is the ultimate history text in the universe. 

This is a snapshot of what's wrong with America today. Someone politely asks a religious lunatic the most important question -- why is it that you ignore the facts? -- and gets the bible thrown back at him. They don't even hear the question. Reality has nothing to do with a religious person's life. The only thing that's real to these people is the fairytale in their head. And that's why our country will make no progress in the coming years. These people are legion in America and they will destroy science and education and democracy itself if we don't stop them. Their reign of ignorance will only end when religion is seen as a nitwit hobby, along the lines of astrology.

You can't reach religious people, which is why I never try. I only make fun of them. People who can believe the sheer nonsense that we call "religion" haven't taken their brains out for a test drive. (Meanwhile, the baboons in the post below probably have. Just saying.)

We're animals. We evolved from primitive creatures. And as for humans being special, the truth is that life is life. It's all valuable, wonderful and perfect -- no matter the species. We are not god's creatures. We are the hairless monkeys of Earth. Get over it.

(And note that none of these people can spell. Not one. This is a hint about their mental processes. Messy, messy, messy.)
Image: Wikipedia 

Funny on so many levels

Evil always smiles.

Red-hatted monster Timmy Dolan spoke at a catholic high school yesterday and said many funny things. The Times story begins with this:

Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan told Roman Catholics on Saturday that in an era when the church was fighting the government on several fronts, they needed to make their voices heard more clearly in the political sphere . . . We are called to be very active, very informed and very involved in politics.

Indeed. And that's exactly why we let your church skip out on paying taxes, Timmy: because you religiously stay out of politics and never make waves in the outer world. Keep up the good work!

The cardinal mocked a secular culture that “seems to discover new rights every day.”

“I don’t recall a right to marriage,” he said, describing marriage, instead, as a “call.”

“Now we hear there’s a right to sterilization, abortion and chemical contraceptives. I suppose there might be a doctor who would say to a man who’s suffering some type of sexual dysfunction, ‘You ought to visit a prostitute to help you.’ ”

Are you laughing yet? I liked this bit:

. . . [H]e emphasized the role of the laity. While priests and bishops “stick to principles,” he said, “we leave a lot of the messiness of politics up to you.”

Yes, and that's exactly why you're spewing this political nonsense from the pulpit of a church: because you "leave a lot of the messiness of politics" up to the faithful. The church has no access to a mirror, apparently. The story ends with a marvelous quote from Timmy the lad:

Obama officials have pointed to recent polls showing that most Catholics favor the new contraceptive rule, and in a recent blog post, the cardinal wrote that officials in the Obama administration had recommended that bishops “listen to the ‘enlightened’ voices of accommodation” within the church. At a news conference after Saturday’s speech, Cardinal Dolan said, “We kind of got our Irish up when leaders in government seemed to be assigning an authoritative voice to Catholic groups that are not the bishops.”

He added: “If you want an authoritative voice, go to the bishops. They’re the ones that speak for the truths of the faith.” 

You're a riot, Timmy. Now, go eat some more donuts. There's a good boy.

Department of Duh

The headline for a Reuters story: 

Santorum says Obama agenda not "based on bible"

Duh. I like the attitude of the White House response although it lacks an important component (see below):

"This is just the latest low in a Republican primary campaign that has been fueled by distortions, ugliness, and searing pessimism and negativity . . ." Ben LaBolt

They certainly deserve that. But he missed the gorilla in the room. LaBolt should have pointed out that our government's "agenda" not only isn't based on the bible but shouldn't be and couldn't be. On account of the, you know, Constitution. 

But no, everyone lets the religious nonsense slide on by. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Jerry Coyne is right

God.

Great advice from Jerry Coyne (longish article at the link):

Our greatest weapon against religion, and especially against theologians, is this question:  What evidence do you have for your claims?  Theology will wither, and with it religion, if we just keep asking that question . . .

You know, he's right. It's the only thing we ever have to say to religious twits. What evidence do you have for your claims? It's a conversation ender because they have no evidence, not one whit. Sweet and simple. I like it and will try it on the next believer foolish enough to talk to me. Moo-ha-ha-ha!

Set your stopwatch right now

Here comes jeebus! (Photo: Time)

Did you forget? Silly goose. This Friday is the Apocalypse. We know this because Robert Fitzpatrick says so. And he's always right, well, except for the last Apocalypse he predicted.

One delicious thing I did not know until reading the linked article is that he's from Staten Island. That is so perfect.

Don't forget to give all your possessions away to ensure that you're among the saved. You'll surely be Raptured if you do this. Saved! Woot!

And don't worry if you're not saved. Mr. Always Right says: "There should be no suffering whatsoever for the unsaved. They will simply vanish into nothingness." Well, hooray for that too!

Religion misses the beauty

Actual photo of god.

One of the oddest things about religion is that it insists its adherents not notice the beauty all around them. To block their flock's view of reality, religion pushes people's heads into a deep, empty chasm of meaningless rhetoric -- and forbids them to ever look outside this dusty hole again.

Which brings me to today's point. We often hear about religious people in this country who resist the idea of evolution. "Not us," they say. "We didn't come from monkeys! We're too special." Indeed you are but not in the way you think.

The legend of jeebus

Big-hat parade, Santa Fe, NM.

From an AP story:

SANTA FE, N.M. (AP) — A crucifix that survived one of the most violent prison riots in U.S. history has been permanently relocated. 

Thirty-three people died in the 1980 riot at the prison south of Santa Fe, and most of the prison was scorched by fire. 

Archbishop Michael Sheehan says it's easy to believe God preserved that crucifix. He says inmates who were near the cross and prayed were spared.

Don't you love how these stories gush from their lips? If the Holy Guys can find any way to worm jeebus into the scenery, they do it. So now crucifixes are acting like supernatural force-fields, protecting all who are nearby. Praise jeebus!

This will reassure so many Christians. Now when a nuclear plant six miles away explodes and releases a tremendously lethal load of radiation, all they'll have to do is cozy up to a crucifix. And they'll be fine. Phew! Thanks, jeebus!

So let's see now . . .

Gargoyle, National Cathedral.

Toting up god's works, we find he sent an earthquake to Washington's National Cathedral, harming the poor old thing. And then yesterday, god made a heavy crane that was there to effect repairs, topple over onto two buildings. God must really hate this cathedral.

But what do the religious nitwits on the scene have to say about today's toppled crane?

The Rev. Simon Bautista, canon for Latino Ministries for the diocese . . . said it was miraculous that no one had been killed or seriously injured.

“You can see that this was a divine hand that kept something else from happening,” Bautista said.

Indeed, the divine hand has been helping the cathedral all along. It's all so clear now that I've heard the Reverend's words. It's a wonder these people can pick out two matched socks each morning! A miracle indeed. Twits!

Funny church terminology

O'Malley's magic decoder ring.

There's an article in the NY Times today about Boston Archbishop Sean O'Malley selling six churches. It made me laugh because of the church's terminology. Here's an excerpt:

"The decision announced Thursday after several weeks of 'consultation, reflection and prayer' means the churches are no longer holy places, but secular buildings. 

"The church term for the move — 'relegation for profane use' — means the churches can be sold and used for other purposes in line with Roman Catholic values . . . "

Don't you love it? To sell the churches is to relegate them for "profane use" -- but only profane use that is "in line with Roman Catholic values". These guys are such self-important twits. When something is removed from their purview, it becomes "profane" by definition. Says so much about the culture. Gah.

One last excerpt from the story:

Some Catholics feared the archdiocese was closing churches to help pay for settlements in the clergy sex abuse scandal.

Profane indeed.

Religious twits

In the New York Times today:

LONDON (AP) — The Church of England has published a prayer in advance of the royal wedding asking God's help for Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton to be faithful. 

The prayer published Thursday seeks God's help so that the couple can live in lifelong faithfulness to each other. They plan to marry April 29 at Westminster Abbey.

The new prayer seeks God's help to strengthen the couple's will and deepen their love for one another. 

Roman Catholic leaders in England and Wales have also issued a similar prayer on behalf of William and Middleton. 

 Isn't that special? It must be grand to be a religious "leader".

"What did you do today?"
"I issued a prayer."
"Marvelous!"

Issuing a prayer. Nice work if you can get it. Religious twits.