What religion needs is dogs

I am greatly disturbed by people who lose their family in calamities like Hurricane Sandy, and then go up to a microphone and say "God is good!" Indeed. That's exactly why god killed your children -- because he's "good".

Why does god bring hurricanes and tidal waves and fires and earthquakes to places where innocent children live? Because he's "good". Priests, pastors and rabbis say "We cannot understand god's motives, but since he is god and is all good, we know that there is a positive reason for these seemingly tragic events." That's not a real quote. They all say the same thing, so I just mashed one up. Let's face it: that's what they say, and it stinks.

Religion wants you to sit there and take it, and still praise the god who allegedly caused your torment. This is called "faith".

Today, it finally hit me. Who thinks like that? Dogs, that's who. You can abuse a dog, even fail to feed it -- and it will still love you, given the opportunity. You are god to your dog. You can do no wrong. This is the attitude religion seeks in its followers. You must be like a dog, always sure of who your master is, and always loving and loyal, no matter what the monster does to you.

How can anyone believe in god?

Republican candidates for prez

I don't understand why any attention is paid to the Republican primaries. What is there to say after you've taken one glance at these lying stooges? Nothing.

They've got a Ken doll running against a Mr. Rogers doll, and there's a nasty Troll doll in the background. And yet the media devotes endless hours of TV time to these clowns every damn day. Nothing could be more boring or meaningless.

If the media ever decided to get real again and report truthfully on things that matter to our country, all the stupidity would go poof in an instant. The kind of brainless banter that passes for American dialogue these days can only exist in an information vacuum.

But the media provides this very thing. As long as they fail to say this is true and that isn't, nothing will change. Without real investigative journalism and a firm commitment to truth, rationality and logic, the country will go down the tubes.

This accounts for the flushing sound you hear.

Set your stopwatch right now

Here comes jeebus! (Photo: Time)

Did you forget? Silly goose. This Friday is the Apocalypse. We know this because Robert Fitzpatrick says so. And he's always right, well, except for the last Apocalypse he predicted.

One delicious thing I did not know until reading the linked article is that he's from Staten Island. That is so perfect.

Don't forget to give all your possessions away to ensure that you're among the saved. You'll surely be Raptured if you do this. Saved! Woot!

And don't worry if you're not saved. Mr. Always Right says: "There should be no suffering whatsoever for the unsaved. They will simply vanish into nothingness." Well, hooray for that too!

Don't forget: the world ends today, 6 PM sharp.

A good day for blasphemy!

From one of the dolts who believes he will be raptured today:

"We know the end will begin in New Zealand and will follow the sun and roll on from there," said Garcia, a 39-year-old father of six. "That's why God raised up all the technology and the satellites so everyone can see it happen at the same time."

I cannot imagine what it will be like for these gullible fools when the world doesn't end at 6 PM today. And to think they're following the predictions of a guy who's already been colossally wrong about this sort of thing once before! He ruined countless lives back then and is repeating his act today. Talk about an evil man.

Meanwhile, back in the real world:

A landslide buried 20 children and four adults at a Malaysian orphanage Saturday where scores of rescuers were digging by their hands in soil softened by the rains to find the missing, police said.

If today really was the rapture, I wouldn't mind if it meant I could stand before god and slap him across his face as hard as I could and claw his eyes out for creating a world with so much pain for so many innocent creatures. It might be worth the end of the world if I could do that.

But the world won't end today so I guess I'll just watch baseball tonight (you know, when the earthquakes are supposed to start rolling in). Go Mets!

Erasing gay people from reality

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A bill passed Friday by the Tennessee Senate would forbid public school teachers and students in grades kindergarten through eight from discussing the fact that some people are gay. (Times link to story.)

Poof(ter)! We're gone. Well, that certainly takes care of the issue. Oh, excuse me; I wasn't supposed to mention (the issue).

Portrait of fools

It's hard to believe that some folks think the world will end this Saturday. Imagine being the normal kids of weird parents who have fallen for this inane proposition.

Read this story at the Times. You'll shake your head. What will this family's life be like after the "rapture"? I shudder to think.

What a holy guy our president is

I'm so happy that President Obama was able to go to the National Prayer Breakfast this morning and take out all his crucifixes and rosaries and rabbit's feet and everything, and show them off. When he showed his favorite crucifix, he said, "Ooooh, shiny!"

I bet our holy president will have a great day today after acting so brave this morning, and all. I know I'm impressed. You?

Sorry to interrupt your regular programming

I just came across a very funny phrase on Worldnutdaily. Never mind the story; nothing there means anything. Here's the paragraph:

"An outspoken American pastor says yes, and he's sounding the alarm for Christians to be aware of the Islamic influence he calls "backdoor Shariah" now nibbling its way across the fruited plain."

C'mon, don't you love that? Nibbling its way across the fruited plain! This one deserves some sort of award.