Things to know for Thursday

You don't need to know a goddamn thing today. Just go have fun.

Slight misunderstanding

I saw a cut-off headline on the NY Daily News page. It said:

"Wounded woman reveals most terrifying moments face-to-face with Santa..."

I thought, "Now what the hell has Santa Claus done!?" But it was a reference to the mass murderer in Santa Monica. I don't think I'm in prime form today.

Vague nonsense the norm in U.S.

I really hate when there's a tragedy and someone on TV says "our prayers go out to the family and friends of whoever". Indeed.

Exactly how do these precious prayers "go out"? Were they inside before, and now you've released them like doves or balloons? And exactly what is this thing you're sending "out"? Will the recipients know when it "arrives"? I mean, do you put a special wrapper and a return address on "it" when you direct it to "go out"?

If people's minds weren't befuddled by nonexistent gods, they wouldn't say meaningless things like this -- and certainly not to people who've suffered a terrible loss. Saying a prayer is as meaningful as singing "Ring Around the Rosie". Why not make a dinner for the bereaved, instead? Or send them some cash or groceries. And with these, you know, real gestures, the people would actually get something. Special bonus: they'd know when the items arrived.

Prayers are cheap and meaningless. Plus, I'll bet most of the people who say they'll pray for others don't even bother to do so. Not that it matters, of course.

Tebow is "most influential" athlete?

Tim Tebow, who did pretty much nothing during the 2012 season except fail on the rare occasions when he was put in a game, has been named the "Most Influential Athlete in Sports in 2012" by Forbes magazine. Duh.

The title is based on a poll. I have to assume they only polled Christian nitwits, because that's the only way I can understand the result. (Which can be summarized as "Yay! Stupid!") 

By the way, did you see Ed Brayton's post about the incredibly awful Tebow/Collins cartoon in the Chicago Tribune? Priceless. (He's channeling Hemant Mehta's post, so hat tips all around.)

Tebow. Influential. It's laugh-out-loud funny.

Lutheran pastor apologizes for praying with infidels

Updated to include link --

They're all nuts, including the Lutherans. A pastor apparently committed a dastardly deed when he (gasp!) prayed with people of other faiths at a Sandy Hook ceremony. Horrors!

Earlier this month, the president of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, Pastor Matthew Harrison, wrote a letter to church members saying he had requested an apology from Morris for his participation in "joint worship with other religions."

"There is sometimes a real tension between wanting to bear witness to Christ and at the same time avoiding situations which may give the impression that our differences with respect to who God is, who Jesus is, how he deals with us, and how we get to heaven, really don't matter in the end," Harrison wrote.

Pastor, the truth is that your crazy little religion is no different from all the other crazy little religions. They're all fairytales. Top of the mornin' to ya.

Just a moment

I'm watching a pot of water on the stove. The moment it boils, I'll get back to you.

What I heard

I heard that in Hell, they take your iPad away. It's that severe. Ooooo, that god is so evil!

Alien intrusion

Yesterday was Wednesday, yet today is Friday. Someone has done something with Thursday! I'm in the early stages of investigating this matter, and I call on my readers for help.

Does anyone anywhere have a memory from Thursday? I'll bet not. It's obvious there has been alien interference in human affairs. They took Thursday! If we don't do something about this now, who knows how many other days they may steal!

Search your recollections. Do you remember anything about Thursday, November 8, 2012? I know you don't...and I'm getting chills as I consider the implications. Damn! I hope they don't steal Sunday. I need my football fix.

More nonsense from Italy

An Italian court "convicted seven scientists and experts of manslaughter on Monday for failing to adequately warn citizens before an earthquake struck central Italy in 2009, killing more than 300 people."

These court officers must live in a cave. You can't predict earthquakes. And if the scientists had tried valiantly to warn people, they would have been laughed at. No one believes you when you say an earthquake is imminent.

The defendants were accused in the indictment of giving "inexact, incomplete and contradictory information" about whether small tremors felt by L'Aquila residents in the weeks and months before the April 6, 2009, quake should have constituted grounds for a quake warning.

Uh-huh. And if they weren't sure, which of course they weren't? Still a crime? Apparently.

Prosecutors had sought conviction and four-year sentences during the non-jury trial, which was led by a judge. A defense lawyer, Filippo Dinacci, told reporters that the sentence would have "big repercussions" on public administration since officials would be afraid to "do anything." 

Indeed. You have to wonder if the judge graduated from elementary school. Here's some good advice. If you're a seismologist, don't work in Italy. In fact, if you're a scientist of any sort, get out of the country now.

The Emperor's New Signs

I just don't believe it. I don't.

Allegedly, baseball managers and coaches use signs to get a message to players on the field. They touch their nose or their elbow, and then pat one hand and touch their chins twice. Puh-leeze. This is nonsense. They're just touching random body parts. You can't fool me -- I'm a New Yorker.

I think it's like that old story, "The Emperor's New Clothes". Everyone on the team is afraid to say, "But those signs don't mean a thing!" And until some player is brave enough to voice this opinion, the sham will continue.

Signs indeed. Bah, humbug. (And yes, I'm kidding.) Hey, my Nats won last night! Woo-hoo! Final game tonight. And the Yankees lost to Baltimore. Everything is right with the world!

Llama story in today's news

A mean llama?

"The report says the 74-year-old Lenahan called for help Tuesday after a llama named Baby Doll slipped on wet grass while running to greet her and knocked her down, causing her to hit her head on concrete. It says there's no evidence the llama was acting maliciously."

Have they ever seen a llama? I mean, look at that face. And they all look like that. Malicious indeed. Then again, Wikipedia tells me:

They are extremely curious and most will approach people easily. However, llamas that are bottle-fed or over-socialized and over-handled as youngsters will become extremely difficult to handle when mature, when they will begin to treat humans as they treat each other, which is characterized by bouts of spitting, kicking and neck wrestling. Anyone having to bottle-feed a cria should keep contact to a minimum and stop as soon as possible.

Now, if the story had said right-off-the-bat that this was a spoiled, bottle-fed llama, I wouldn't be criticizing them. Just kidding. I know nothing about llamas. (Cria?) But they're adorable and I was looking for an excuse to post a picture of one. Awwww. It's so cute! I think I need one. "Dear Santa..."

Upon consideration . . .

I think the Beatles should retract "Obladi Oblada" from their releases. They should cease it and desist it. It doesn't live up to Beatles' standards.

And I call upon Nancy Sinatra to rescind "These Boots are Made for Walking" and remove it from the minds of anyone who ever heard it. It must be like it never appeared on this Earth.

A little tuckered today. Light posting.

The Shroud of Turin -- and nitwits

Fake.

There's an article at MSN today about the Shroud of Turin, the cloth that believers think shows the face of jeebus. It's so strange that people believe this nonsense when it's been debunked by science. The shroud was made in medieval times. End of story.

But evidence is never enough for these folks. So I was amused to see an article about a new book's theory regarding the shroud. The book is called "The Sign" and it's by Thomas de Wesselow. Much to the church's horror, he says the shroud is real -- it's really from jeebus' tomb -- but the resurrection never happened. The stories about people seeing jeebus after he died are, according to the author, merely mentions of people seeing the shroud. He says people used to think that images contained the essence of a person. Here's an outtake from the article:

"I've studied images, what they mean and how they affect people," de Wesselow said. "In the old days, people saw images as potentially alive. They had potentially a consciousness. ... That type of thinking was absolutely standard before the modern age. It has nothing to do with an optical illusion, and it has nothing to do with people being stupid."

Duh. Made in medieval times. Repeat after me: "Made in medieval times." The shroud is nonsense. But I'm happy this guy has come up with an idea the church will hate. The popey guy's head must be exploding.

Meanwhile, in a column about the shroud, the Catholic Herald's Francis Phillips basically brushed off de Wesselow's views, saying they were "too eccentric to reproduce here."

C'mon kids, say it with me: "Made in medieval times." These people are major dimwits. If it was made in the 14th century (or around that time) how can it be real?! Oy.

Trashing the Dalai Lama

Another twit.

PZ did it yesterday and I'll happily chime in. I detest the Dalai Lama and group him with Deepak Chopra. They both mouth nonsense to the gullible and call it wisdom.

But I've got a special distaste for the DL because of two things. One is that so many liberals love him. This makes me ill. The man says idiotic, unconnected things, smiles -- and liberals drop to their knees. This doesn't say much for the logic circuits of these folks.

The other reason is that I once saw him interviewed on TV, and he expressed his opinion of homosexuality. I don't have a transcript but as I remember it, he said homosexuality was a categorical error, a mistake. He said we aren't really homosexual, we just mistakenly think we're gay. Actually, according to the DL, there is no such thing as homosexuality.

Indeed. Another celibate man in a dress attacks gay people. And he often says he's against gay marriage. He's very clear about this. Still love him, liberals?

People, don't look toward religion for anything except nonsense and hatred. Both items are their stock in trade.

PS: The reason there is a focus on the odious DL of late is that he just received a ton of money from the oppressively idiotic Templeton Foundation. Isn't that sweet? The kings of woo crowned another favored messenger. Disgusting. (And I'm very upset with Sean Carroll for accepting money from the Templeton Foundation. It's a stupid thing for a scientist to do. They push religion, not science. Science and religion cannot co-exist, yet making believe they can co-exist is the purpose of the Templeton Foundation. It's a braindead organization and no self-respecting scientist should accept a dime from them. It's tainted money.)

Accommodating the religious

Some atheist writers try not to upset those who are religious. There seems to be this idea that religion is wrong but believers are just poor slobs who, well, believe. So we shouldn't pick on them. This is nonsense.

Mind you, if the person concerned is less than 16 years old, I say fine to this proposition. Let's leave the kiddies alone. But everyone else who believes in god is, in my book, culpable. They do wrong by believing in god. They are failed human beings.

When we were lesser beings and didn't have our current mental faculties (I'm speaking of our evolutionary ancestors here), the idea of gods must have cropped up for the first time. Sure it was fuzzy but I'll bet it was there. Pre-human primates invented god.

Once these nascent minds reached a point where they could think about the world, they undoubtedly tried to come up with explanations for the things they saw. And this line of thought brought them to the idea of gods. They made it up and then they believed it. Probably all sorts of primates were religious -- and more power to them. In their own way, they were trying to think. It's kinda cute.

Apology, my ass

The Pilot, the catholic rag that posted David Avila's evil screed against gay people, wherein he said same-sex attraction is the work of Satan, has posted his "apology". It's not an apology. Here it is:

The Stone's vapid arguments

Philosopher Daniel Dennett. Woot!

The New York Times has a regular "philosophy" column these days. It's called The Stone, and I haven't seen one lick of sense in any of these columns.

Today's vapid entry, for instance, focuses on this idea:

Atheists, he maintains, need to undertake the positive project of showing how their worldview can take over what he calls the ethical “functions” of theism.

And then it goes on and on about this idiotic notion. Of course we atheists don't have to show how our "worldview" can "take over" the "ethical functions of theism". This is an inane point.

We have no need to "take over" any of the nonsensical realms dominated by religion. We simply know that there is no god. Period.

People are always trying to attach their harebrained notions to what atheism "needs to do". We don't need to do nuthin' -- except laugh at all the idiots who believe in gods.

Hint: whenever a writer poses a question for the "New Atheists", it's a clear sign that nonsense is ahead. Read further at your own risk. And by the way, there are some good philosophy blogs. (For instance, this one and this one.) I read a batch of philosophy blogs every day. The Stone isn't one of them.

Two questions

Bender.

First, if it was determined beyond all doubt that a public figure had been a robot all along, who do you think it would be?

And second, who should play you in the movie version of your life?

Ponder these questions instead of going to mass today, and do yourself a good turn!

"Hugging Saint" comes to New York, hugs

The "hugging saint".

Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi, known to her followers as "Amma," is one strange cookie. She just hugs people. That's it. Amma "offers words of encouragement and prayer to anyone who comes forward". The power of suggestion does the heavy lifting. All she has to do is chill and hug.

The woman attracts huge crowds and her followers are exuberant in their addle-brained praises. According to an article on NY1:

"When you see her and she hugs you, you just get rewards beyond belief," said devotee Erica Hayward.

"I was a little bit skeptic. I don't know if it was just love. It was a beautiful experience," said Patricia Muller, who was in tears following her embrace. 

"Its an uplifting healing, connecting of the heart energies," said devotee Jerry Adler. 

Indeed. Okay, so it's wingnut stuff for wingnuts. We knew that going in. But the unusual thing is that unlike the greedy, carnivorous, science-hating, gay-hating, religious "leaders" in our country, the hugging saint seems to do good things with the money people give to her, at least, according to her rep's statement:

Her spokesman said Amma's charity, Embracing The World, has given more than $60 million to disaster relief around the world. In her native country of India, she has taken in 50,000 orphans and provided some $60 million in medical services. In the United States, she feeds some 75,000 people each day through her soup kitchen.

I'd like to know what sort of nonsense she puts in the orphans' heads, and I'd like to see actual records of that disaster relief donation, if you don't mind. But let's say for the sake of argument that she's for real and has a heart of gold. Hell, maybe it's true.

She's still a snake oil salesman but if she makes a lot of money and helps people with it, I don't see any harm in people wasting their time getting hugged. It's all pretty innocuous (except for the needless spreading of germs, of course). You know, if the religious loons in this country acted more like this woman and less like feral animals, they'd be way easier to stomach.

Heaven, the playground of the dead

Heaven. C'mon in, set a spell.

Ah, what fun they must have up there in heaven where it's always swell, and all. What a joy it must be to get up each morning, ready for a robust day of god-adoring. It sounds grand!

And just think: all the dried-up, nasty old church people you always detested are up there, too! It'll be swell to see them, and the saints and all. And of course, as the popey guy makes new saints they'll pop up in heaven, all fabulous and everything, their stature established for all time. And these saint-raisings are great because they break up the monotony.

Oh, wait. Did I say monotony? I meant ecstasy. Sorry, and of course I meant pious ecstasy not the other kind, the bad kind. (And certainly not the drug!) No, there's none of that sort of thing in heaven. You don't want to let the riff-raff in -- and that other kind of ecstasy might attract them. That's why there's no pleasure in heaven: to keep out the unsavory types. None of that element up in heaven.

Oh, let us go adore him right now. Snore. Yes, indeed. It must be great in heaven! And just think: it's almost May 21st! We'll be there soon! Woot!