Funny thing

I found this today on Jerry Coyne's web site. (He gets cross if you call it a blog.)

PHILOSOPHY is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat.

 

METAPHYSICS is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that is not there.

 

THEOLOGY is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat, that is not there, and shouting; “ I found it!”

 

SCIENCE is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat using a f—– flashlight.

By Jove, I think he's got it. (PS: It's not Jerry's own set of similes. It's from a reader named Leon. Bravo, Leon!)

Dog's image perfect for heaven that welcomes dogs

Dog would laugh at the idea of his image being synonymous with dogs going to heaven, but it could work! BTW, the reason he's smiling in the photograph at left is because he thinks crosses are so funny. They don't have religion on his planet.

Still, isn't it uncanny how perfectly this image would work for the new push to get dogs into a Catholic version of heaven? And of course, the real fun here is how much Dog would laugh about this use of his image. And that's the very meaning of fun.

In case you missed the true story about Dog's visit to Earth, just pump dog into the search box at the top left of this page. (You'll get a few irrelevant posts but most will be about Dog. Yippee!) And if you're too feeble to search for a simple word like dog, here's a post that explains who he is.

Sadly, now that I've raised the topic of Dog, I must reveal something that I've hidden for many months. Readers who followed this story from its inception probably suspect what I'm about to say. Yes, I have terrible news for you. After Dog arrived on Earth he took a long, close look at humans and turned around and went back to his own galaxy. He didn't explain himself; he didn't have to. We are unworthy to join the Federation of Sentient Planets. We're just too damned aggressive and greedy (and dumb).

This news crushed me...but I'm still in telepathic contact with Dog. So really, you missed out; I didn't. Sad, that. Hmmm, I think I'll put my Lid on and go talk to Dog right now. Oh, joy!

And we wonder why religion exists

People will believe any stupid thing if it promises life after death. So it's not surprising that we're all going to be treated to a new show for idiots, called "Angels Among Us".

Forget the crystal ball and tarot cards.

All Rosie Cepero needs to communicate with someone's guardian angel is a message from beyond – even if it comes to her while shopping at a party store.

In an exclusive first look at Angels Among Us – a new TLC series premiering Sunday and focusing on Cepero's special ability to communicate with angels – the upstate New York wife and mother moves an employee to tears as she relays a message from the young staffer's beloved grandfather.

"He says, 'It's okay, you can indulge in ice cream,' " Cepero tells the employee, Caroline, while holding a package of plastic cups.

Caroline cried as she told Cepero how she recently found an old birthday card from her now-deceased grandfather that included that very message, nearly word for word.

Later, Cepero stroked Caroline's hand in a way the employee said was eerily reminiscent of her grandfather.

"It was almost like his spirit was in her body and he was trying to touch me and talk to me," Caroline told the cameras afterwards. 

And of course this gem is on the "Learning" Channel, where we, uh, learn things. Most of the things are incorrect -- but learning is learning. Amirite? Who cares if it's nonsense? It makes people feel good and that's all that matters. Life is just a big ice cream cone, and we get to slurp on it even after we're dead and rotting in the grave. Hallelujah!

Things like this tell us clearly why religion exists. People are so illogical, so prone to swallowing fairy tales whole, that they will literally believe anything. That there are demons all around us? Check. That there is a King of all Gods, living eternally in a really cool place that we can visit once we, you know, die? Check. That there is Someone watching everything we do or say or think -- and grading us on it? Check.

Ghosts are real, witches are real, the devil is real. Check, check, check. Even if you make up a new god, lots of people will rush on over and believe in it -- if it promises great Cracker Jack prizes after we, you know, die.

It's hopeless, it really is. The hairless monkeys of Earth aren't ready for prime time -- and apparently, they never will be. We've got this flaw, you see. And it's a big one.

Image: Public domain - "Cortona Guardian Angel 01" by Pietro da Cortona - Web Gallery of Art

CNN on the lack of atheist legislators

This rarely gets attention. Gee, I wonder why.

Why is it that we require our candidates to profess a religious faith, but not that they demonstrate even minimal scientific literacy? Our representatives in Congress make critical decisions on science policy and science funding, and yet are often hostile to the entire scientific enterprise. In 2012, Rep. Paul Broun, R-Georgia, while serving on the House science committee, famously said that evolution and the Big Bang are "lies from the pit of hell."

As one prejudice after another has fallen by the wayside and we have elected women, African-Americans, gays and lesbians, and Jewish people to represent us, we have seen that the world has not come to an end. Life continues, and our debate is enriched by the diversity of opinions. It is time to end the prejudice that keeps qualified people without faith from considering a run for public office and keeps atheist officials from being honest about their beliefs.

Mind you, the issue isn't getting attention even now. This is merely one man's opinion, presented in print on CNN's web site with a disclaimer attached, carefully stating that it's the opinion of one man, Carlos Moreno. God forbid we think CNN would actually say something like this on its own.

Fear of atheists. In git America, it's the norm. It's particularly sad since there is no god, and science is the only way out of our current problems. In a sense, if humans go down, it will be god that did it to us. Funny, since he doesn't even exist.

The hairless monkeys of Earth need help but it's doubtful whether they'll get it. And all because no one has the guts to say the emperor (god) has no clothes.

Satan visits Harvard

Funny story in today's NY Daily News. "Satanists" are about to hold a Black Mass at Harvard University. Mind you, they're not "real" Satanists, just fun-loving atheists. (I doubt there's such a thing as a real Satanist. Just saying.) Check out the story for further details.

I love the reaction of the Catholic archdiocese of Boston. They must take these things seriously, doncha know. Keeps the rubes in line.

All this talk about Satan has spooked the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston issued a statement blasting the Satanists’ scheduled demonstration and announced plans to conduct a “Holy Hour” during the same time at a nearby church.

“For the good of the Catholic faithful and all people, the Church provides clear teaching concerning Satanic worship,” the statement read. “This activity separates people from God and the human community, it is contrary to charity and goodness, and it places participants dangerously close to destructive works of evil.”

Yadda, yadda, yadda. The devil isn't real, folks, and neither is god. The church makes believe both are real because it keeps those donations flowing in. And that gives them more money to fight gay marriage and keep women subservient.

Religion is a destructive fairytale that blinds believers to the true nature of reality. And when it is not shackled by laws that prevent it from dominating secular society, it establishes a theocracy and becomes a savage, de facto prison for all humanity. Religion is the opposite of rationality and creativity. It stifles and suffocates and obfuscates. It is the most evil invention of mankind.

Imagine being outside in this cold

It's freezing here today, and it's been this way for several days. Fine for us, warm and cozy inside our houses. But some guys don't have houses.

I've been taking care of two ill geese. That's a photo of them on the left, sitting at the foot of my stairs. It's sad. The one on the right I've mentioned before on the blog. It's been thriving for over a year despite the fact that it has only one workable leg. Well, that leg finally gave out (on its own or helped by coyotes; we hear a pack of them at night lately). So now all it can do is sit. It can fly for very short distances, but not very high. It's truly screwed.

The one on the left is a huge friend of mine. For whatever reason, this goose thinks I'm its daddy. When I go outside, it follows me around. It even lets me pet it! Anyway, something happened to it, too. It can fly short distances and sometimes it can stand, but not always. I also see that there's something wrong with the feathers on its right side. Not sure if that's the main problem.

Whatever the cause of their ills, these two sought me out when they had nowhere to turn. They were outside my front door, calling to me. Awwww! I hopped to, of course, and tried to help them. They have nothing to eat because the grass is covered with snow and ice. (Dog only knows what they eat down there, but they've always got their faces in the grass. A country friend told me they eat "the seed". Whatever.) So I've been feeding them.

Problem is, only one of them showed up today. I think they've been spending their nights swimming in a tiny area of the pond that wasn't frozen over. However, that little bit of heaven froze last night -- so they had nowhere to go. At least, I'm assuming this is what happened. The one who thinks I'm his daddy may have been able to fly out of harm's way. The other one wasn't so lucky. I don't see it anywhere today.

This is the way of nature: stuff's always getting killed. This tells you clearly that there is no god -- at least, not a nice one. I'll continue to feed all the creatures out there for as long as I have the money to buy food. Poor little guys. They need our help.

Go outside and feed something today. It'll do you (and the somethings) good. Remember, Xmas isn't just for people. It's a time when we're kind to all creatures. At least, that's the way I play it.

Religion is so special

It's hard to read the news lately. There are more bombings and killings every day, and almost all are caused by religion. No, I'm not going to link to any of the stories about these disasters. Why bother? It's the background of our lives; I'm sure you're familiar with it.

Religion is killing humanity. Once someone accepts nonsense as truth, they are immediately lost in the wilderness. (See the US G.O.P. for an example of how this plays out.) For many, insanity sets in once they accept religion. They seethe and rage and kill. In the US, this is done with drones and bombs dropped from airplanes -- lest we soil our fingers or conscience by seeing the people we kill. Muslims do it with bombs, terror, torture and murder. Same thing.

But what if people realized that there are no gods? Obviously, all this would settle down. Why kill for Jeebus or Allah when they're not real? Why be Muslim or Jewish when there's nothing at the heart of your religion? It would all collapse.

And then people might notice the real world. It's right in front of everyone's eyes but people have been too busy thinking about fairytales to notice. Oh, and the world is about to have a calamity that threatens all living creatures. It's called climate change. Maybe once religion is gone, people could focus on that and do something about it. After all, they'd have so much more time on their hands, what with the end of prayer and religious services.

All the land occupied by churches and temples would be re-purposed and sold to people who would, of all things, pay taxes on the land -- and that money could be used to support local populations. And Sundays (Saturdays for some) would become normal days of the week, where people could visit family or have sex or do other positive, real things.

Soon, people could be themselves without being called sinners. That's a biggie. And children would no longer be threatened with the possibility of burning in hell for all eternity. That's a huge plus right there.

It's just a dream, of course. But it sounds so nice.

But Keith...you're not trashing the Vatican

It's true. I've been far too kind to the Vatican ever since Francis took over. So let me be clear on the most important point: there is no god. Pope Francis, though he may bring positive change to his church, is still the CEO of a false religion. Nothing he does can ever change that. Say it with me kids: there is no god.

But if this man can make Christianity kinder, I'm all for it. Lately, every time I talk to someone in my local area, Pope Francis' name comes up. People smile like crazy when they talk about him. He's enlivened things and loosened the suffocating strictures that surround religion. And he's driving the evil wingnuts within his church crazy. How could this be a bad thing?

I want Christians to be kind. So does Francis and strictly on that basis, I consider him an ally. I'm sure I'll get back to trashing the Vatican at some point. But right now, the pope is tossing out the trash. I'm all for that.

Russia's meteorite enlivens the priests

An foolish Russian priest is all over the meteorite story. It took him only minutes to realize this was a sign from jeebus.

YEKATERINBURG, February 15 (RIA Novosti) – A meteorite which injured hundreds of people in Russia's Chelyabinsk Region on Friday was "the Lord’s message to humanity," a senior local clergyman said.

“From the Scriptures, we know that the Lord often sends people signs and warnings via natural forces,” Metropolitan of Chelyabinsk and Zlatoust Feofan said in a statement released on Friday.

"I think that not only for the Ural [regions] residents, but for the whole of humanity, the meteorite is a reminder that we live in fragile and unpredictable world,” the clergyman said.

He called on people to support each other and pray to God in thanks for saving the world from a devastating disaster.

Wow, jeebus saved the world!! None of the media mentioned that important point. Give him a few more minutes and he'll connect the disaster to gay marriage. Folks, religion has never been right about anything. It belongs in the dust heap.

There are a lot of things out there in space, and sometimes they hit Earth. It's not mysterious at all. But they love to connect their god to disasters. Just love it.

Lutheran pastor apologizes for praying with infidels

Updated to include link --

They're all nuts, including the Lutherans. A pastor apparently committed a dastardly deed when he (gasp!) prayed with people of other faiths at a Sandy Hook ceremony. Horrors!

Earlier this month, the president of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, Pastor Matthew Harrison, wrote a letter to church members saying he had requested an apology from Morris for his participation in "joint worship with other religions."

"There is sometimes a real tension between wanting to bear witness to Christ and at the same time avoiding situations which may give the impression that our differences with respect to who God is, who Jesus is, how he deals with us, and how we get to heaven, really don't matter in the end," Harrison wrote.

Pastor, the truth is that your crazy little religion is no different from all the other crazy little religions. They're all fairytales. Top of the mornin' to ya.

This should be posted everywhere

Jerry Coyne, my favorite science blogger, has been posting excerpts from Robert G. Ingersoll's 1872 essay “The Gods“. (Yes, 1872!) Here's today's installment:

    Would an infinitely wise, good and powerful God, intending to produce man, commence with the lowest possible forms of life; with the simplest organism that can be imagined, and during immeasurable periods of time, slowly and almost imperceptibly improve upon the rude beginning, until man was evolved? Would countless ages thus be wasted in the production of awkward forms, afterwards abandoned? Can the intelligence of man discover the least wisdom in covering the earth with crawling, creeping horrors, that live only upon the agonies and pangs of others? Can we see the propriety of so constructing the earth, that only an insignificant portion of its surface is capable of producing an intelligent man? Who can appreciate the mercy of so making the world that all animals devour animals; so that every mouth is a slaughter house, and every stomach a tomb? Is it possible to discover infinite intelligence and love in universal and eternal carnage?
    What would we think of a father, who should give a farm to his children, and before giving them possession should plant upon it thousands of deadly shrubs and vines; should stock it with  ferocious beasts, and poisonous reptiles; should take pains to put a few swamps in the neighborhood to breed malaria; should so arrange matters, that the ground would occasionally open and swallow a few of his darlings, and besides all this, should establish a few volcanoes in the immediate vicinity, that might at any moment overwhelm his children with rivers of fire? Suppose that this father neglected to tell his children which of the plants were deadly; that the reptiles were poisonous; failed to say anything about the earthquakes, and kept the volcano business a profound secret; would we pronounce him angel or fiend?
    And yet this is exactly what the orthodox God has done.
    According to the theologians, God prepared this globe expressly for the habitation of his loved children, and yet he filled the forests with ferocious beasts; placed serpents in every path; stuffed the world with earthquakes, and adorned its surface with mountains of flame.
    Notwithstanding all this, we are told that the world is perfect; that it was created by a perfect being, and is therefore necessarily perfect. The next moment, these same persons will tell us that the world was cursed; covered with brambles, thistles and thorns, and that man was doomed to disease and death, simply because our poor, dear mother ate an apple contrary to the command of an arbitrary God.

Has it ever been stated more clearly? Either there's no god or he's a vicious psychopath. I'll take the former option.

Cursing god

God.

I know what we should do on this day before Thanksgiving. Let's all curse god! There is nothing more likely to create a sense of well-being than cursing god. It's fun!

Today, get up on a pedestal or climb on top of your house and curse god with the loudest voice you can muster. Isn't it fun?! I know. I love it too! And the great thing is that, since there is no god, there's absolutely no downside to doing this. It's just good, clean, fun. Truly, it warms the cockles of your heart.

And they say there's no free lunch. Ha.

That quotable fellow

Ricky Gervais:

Let’s be honest, if one person believed in God he would be considered pretty strange. But because it’s a very popular view it’s accepted.

That's it in a nutshell.

There is no god. Repeat. Repeat again.

Whenever anyone, no matter who, mentions god I say, "There is no god." I don't bring it up on my own and I let "God bless you" announcements fly by without notice (since they're just a tic and bear no relationship to god) but if anyone says "I'll pray for her" or something similar, I jump in.

This is helpful and good. So many people live in a Christian bubble in this country. They have no idea there are people who don't believe in god. To them, this is an inconceivable notion.

I think it's possible to open minds to new possibilities simply by saying that god is a nonsensical idea. So don't keep quiet. Tell people where you stand. Say, "There is no god!" and say it loud and often. Say it to priests, cops, judges, doctors, cashiers and housewives. Say it to anyone who tells you that they believe in god.

It doesn't have to be confrontational (though that's fun, too). Just say it. You may end up helping the person more than you know. Once their closet door opens a crack, the light begins to pour in. And that crack may widen, especially if the person has a curious mind.

So say it loud and say it often: there is no god.

PS: I actually made that shirt and wear it proudly.

What to thank when things go right

I thank the sun for not going nova.

This is a tough one for rational humans. Religious fools thank god for everything, of course. But they're not alone in this impulse. It seems all humans feel thankful when things go well. Even we evil atheists feel this emotion now and then.

Perhaps we've been trained to do this by a society that is so heavily influenced by religious nitwits. But on the other hand, it could be part of our evolutionary heritage. Maybe animals tend to be thankful. Seems to me I've seen some mighty thankful animals in my day. I don't think we've got the market cornered on this one.

So what is a rational atheist to do with all the damn thankfulness she feels? Who or what should she thank when good fortune comes her way? Well, let's see . . . she could choose to remain trapped within this "thankfulness" meme and look around for something or someone to thank. Or she could step outside the boundaries and merely be thankful. Why does there have to be an object or agent involved in thankfulness? We are thankful; period. That pretty much does it for me. No need to whip up some spooky being and kneel on thumbtacks in front of a statue of it.

Yet I must confess that at rare moments, even I want to thank something. So what I do is thank the universe.

I try to envision everything that exists, and I tip my hat to it. But I don't thank it for being benevolent; the universe is not some kind, caring creature that watches out for us. On the contrary -- it's a harsh and violent place with not a whit of kindness in its nature.

I thank the random events that gave us a sun that hasn't gone nova (yet). I thank the vagaries of chance that have allowed us to escape extinction for so long. I thank luck for enabling life to thrive on this lovely planet that's not too warm and not too cold. And I feel intensely grateful to be here, to be allowed to exist. This last item is the greatest prize of them all.

Works for me. How do you handle thankfulness in your life? What do you do with it?

Understanding evolution

DNA image by Sunagatov Dmitry

A lot of people think they understand evolution but all they really understand are the headlines. Yes, they agree, we evolved from a long line of creatures, possibly extending all the way back to the very first life form. Well, it's great to agree that evolution happened, but does this mean you understand what evolution is? Today, I'd like to push aside a few incorrect notions that are floating around out there. I'm not a scientist, far from it, but I'll do the best I can.

Evolution is not a process whereby creatures morph into more splendid versions of themselves, in a nice straight line, over immense periods of time. That's the cute, slap-happy version of evolution. The thing people don't grasp is that evolution is equally about creatures dying because they cannot adapt to changing conditions in their local environment -- a climatic shift, the arrival of a new predator, a change in oxygen levels, an upgrading in the armament of their favorite prey, etc. Evolution is a bloody, painful story of survival and death -- lots of death.

Let's consider a specific case: primitive horse precursors that existed long ago. These creatures were happily trotting around for hundreds of thousands of years in a beneficent climate, eating food that was easy to chew and swallow -- soft, moist vegetation, in other words. But then climate change hit their world and as a result, the vegetation changed dramatically. Suddenly these horse progenitors had to rely on harsher, drier, more abrasive vegetation for sustenance. Now, here's the thing -- it's not that the horses magically developed new teeth that were perfectly suited to their new food source. They didn't morph into a happy new shape. That's not how evolution rolls.

On the contrary -- all the horses that had soft dentition died because they couldn't eat the new food. And of their young, only those few that happened to have harder chomping surfaces in their mouths, survived. They could obtain nourishment from the vegetation and were able to thrive and reproduce, passing harder dentition along to their young.

Evolution requires that massive numbers of creatures die when they cannot survive the changing environment of their world. Only those few creatures that develop a beneficial mutation (harder chomping surfaces, in this case) survive into the future. And in the case of our horse-like creatures, they survived all the way up to the current day. As a result, we see horses with nice, big, hard teeth.

Now let's take a simpler, more visual example. Consider a huge population of happy, fat, brown mice who are living far north at a time when even the Arctic is warm and inviting. This idyllic happy-brown-mouse period goes on for ages, and in that time the population doesn't change much. But then one day, climate change arrives and the north is suddenly snow-covered all year round. In this new environment, the brown mice are very easy for predators, especially avian predators, to see and catch -- so all the brown mice are eaten. And only their young that happen to be born white because of a mutation, can survive in the new, snow-covered landscape.

It's not that the mice suddenly morphed their fur from brown to white to survive -- it's that the brown mice died, and only their white or near-white descendants survived. In the end, all the mice in the area were white. If an occasional brown one was born, it would be eaten before it could reproduce. (And if conditions changed and it became warm again, the white mice would stick out and be killed --  and the group would soon be brown again.)

See how this works? Species that are ill-equipped to survive a change in their environment, die. Many times an entire species will go extinct because of environmental factors. In fact, most species do become extinct. Evolution eats up a lot of creatures. It is stunningly successful, but there's a sea of blood and suffering in its wake.

This process is what scientists mean by "selection pressure". Creatures with beneficial characteristics are selected by evolution to survive into the next generation and pass their genes on to their young. All this means is: the creatures are a good match for current conditions, so they survive while others don't. And as for the selection pressure, it's many things: competition for food, quality of air, strength of predators, climate, etc. This is the process of natural selection, which we refer to in our simple way, as "survival of the fittest." Yup, and the deaths of trillions of creatures who weren't as lucky.

Evolution isn't hard to understand but you do have to pay attention. It's not grasped in a minute. You have to actually look into it, read about it and then think about it. Most people don't do this and never come to understand how evolution works. It's not a morphing contest; it's not quick; and there is a ton of death and suffering that goes into it. (Which also tells us there is no god; if there was, and he allowed this bloody process to be the way life proceeds within "his" creation, he would have to be a sadistic monster, not a god.)

This post barely touches on the topic of evolution. It's a fascinating field. If you pick up a book on evolution, I don't think you'll be sorry. And it's a principle that, once learned, deepens your understanding of the universe. It's not just critters that evolve -- but that's a post for another day.

Why not give up god this year?

Much as I'm trying to avoid the New Year's "festivities" (ugh), I keep hearing about people's resolutions. A foolish idea to begin with -- you don't need a special day to decide not to be an idiot anymore.

But if you're in the mood for resolutions, why not get real and give up god right now? I mean, think about it. Even if the idea of a "heavenly" afterlife is true, it would be an eternal nightmare.

Suck up to a power-mad "god" forever?! Hang out with folks from church forever?!  See the same, simpering, fearful faces at your side forever?!

They shouldn't call it heaven at all. This would be torture. No one thinks it through, no one realizes that their craven, selfish, incessant clawing after an afterlife is sickening. Why should you go to heaven while your dog can't? Oh, I forgot: it's cuz you're so special. You were created in the "image of god."

Get over yourselves. Toss god out with the garbage today and never think of "him" again. Consider the mental energy you'd free up, not to mention Sunday mornings! They can be quite cool without church always messing them up.

Look in the mirror today and say, "There is no god." Say it over and over. Guess what? The sky won't crash down on you, the world won't end, and you won't be going to an eternal hell. You'll just be a person. Now, I know a lot of you consider that a letdown but you are all buffoons.

The rest of us, the rational folks, know that this is a grand life, magical and mysterious in its own way. We know the only we have to do in life is be kind to others (and yes, that applies to animals too; put down that fork right now).

Wake up, folks. Heaven, if there was such a thing, would be Hell. But don't worry, neither one exists. It's all just a silly story.