The joy of a good moustache

No visible mouth = yay.

People don't realize how valuable a shaggy moustache can be. And yes, that's the way I spell it; mustache seems so ordinary, so inadequate. No, I have to go with moustache.

 "But," some say, "what possible good could come from a mere moustache?"

Fools! First of all, using the words "mere" and "moustache" in the same sentence shows a shocking lack of moustache gravitas. Have you no decency?

I also ask you this: have you ever picked up a sweet drink at a picnic and found an insect intruder in your glass? And did you find this out only after you drank the bug? And how about when you reach for that glass of water in the middle of the night? Don't you sometimes wonder what might be floating on the water? A mosquito, perhaps?

Ah, but if you had a moustache -- a nice, long, shaggy, luxurious moustache -- there would be no problem because it would filter everything you drink. Nothing can get past a big, shaggy moustache. You are safe -- nay, you are invulnerable!

Consider this obvious benefit and then reassess your un-hairy facial condition. There's only one safe choice: you must grow one immediately -- regardless of gender, infirmity or any other frivolous matter. And here's your how-to guide. It's simple: When the moustache has completely grown in, your mouth should no longer be visible. Now that's a nice, safe moustache. Start growing one now -- or face the  consequences.