Old popeyguy returns to Vatican

I couldn't remain unplugged. Just couldn't! Apparently, they whisked the former popeyguy into the Vatican by helicopter. It was very hush-hush.

No live TV coverage of the former pope's return was allowed by the Vatican. 

He is the pope who will never be seen, or so the Vatican fervently hopes. I think the curia should look into getting one of those invisibility shields from the US. They could drape it over the old popeyguy and he could trot around the Vatican without anyone being the wiser.

I imagine him standing next to cardinals, unbeknownst to them, and whispering hateful things in their ears.

"This new popeyguy is a liberal crazyman. He is the anti-Christ! You must defy him -- or you risk losing your immortal soul!"

And then he'd sneak away to whisper hateful things in the next set of holy ears. He might even influence Pope Frankie by whispering in his ear.

"You're a bad pope! You're not as good as the old pope! You are possessed by demons!"

I imagine this would work out nicely.

Irony alert: L'Osservatore Romano

After the new pope sent a message to American nuns on Monday, saying "the pogrom is still on," (okay, I'm paraphrasing a bit here), I went to L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's newspaper, to see if I could find a statement about the renewal of the church's attack on American nuns.

Since the paper is updated on a weekly basis, I wasn't surprised when I found nothing on this topic. However, I was shocked to see an article that is not just supportive of women, but wildly supportive of women. It speaks about the need for women to enter politics en masse because men have botched everything up. (And of course, the Vatican comes to mind as an example of men screwing everything up.)

You don't expect to see a pro-woman article at L'Osservatore Romano. You just don't.  Here's a link in case you'd like to read it. It's bizarre that this article -- which is resoundingly feminist in nature -- appeared on the Vatican's news site. I mean, really. They do everything they can to knock women and prevent them from participating in the church as full partners -- and then they post this at exactly the same moment that the pope says "Game on" to the American nuns?!

But I think that's what it is: a game. It's like when the Republicans trot out a braindead African-American guy and say, "See? We're not racists." Gotta be. This is psy-ops. Either that, or we're about to see a huge change in the church. And that seems extremely unlikely.

My observations of the new pope

1. The new pope is straight. How do I know this? When he put his tall, foolish popey guy hat on for the first time, he didn't fuss with it. Benedict would have been adjusting it this way and that, unsure of how it looked. Pope Frankie didn't care how it looked. He just popped it on and was all like, "All right! Let's go out for pizza!"

2. He did not look like a man who was surprised to be elected pope. In fact, his facial expression said (at least, to me): "It's about time they got it right."

And now for the Popeyguy Question of the Day:

How long do you think it will be before the new pope says something vicious about gay people? I give him 24 hours. Any other predictions?

Habemas Satanam!

We've got a pope. Now, we have to wait to see who it is. (Taps fingernails on desktop...)

Update: Via joe.my.god I learn that Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, Argentina won the golden crown. His popeyguy name will be Popeyguy Francis I. 

I've never heard of the guy but I'll do what Joe did, and go to the Wikipedia video tape. And lo and behold, he's a gay-hatin' crazy guy:

He strongly opposed legislation introduced in 2010 by the Argentine Government to allow same-sex marriage. In a letter to the monasteries of Buenos Aires, he wrote: "Let's not be naive, we're not talking about a simple political battle; it is a destructive pretension against the plan of God. We are not talking about a mere bill, but rather a machination of the Father of Lies that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." He has also insisted that adoption by homosexuals is a form of discrimination against children. This position received a rebuke from Argentine president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who said the church's tone was reminiscent of "medieval times and the Inquisition".

Did you get that? "Reminiscent of 'medieval times and the Inquisition"! Wowee! We've got us a swell new popey guy! Hooray.

Catholics can rest easy. The new pope will be as awful -- or worse -- than the popeyguy emeritus. Good. Change is so difficult. 

I'm sick of the new pope

I've had it with this new pope. He's worse than Ratzinger. Oh no, wait! They haven't hired the new guy yet. Never mind.

So far, we've seen only black smoke coming from the Vatican chimney -- three times. There's a lot of silly news about how they created this intensely black smoke but they're just guessing. Only I have the inside scoop.

It seems an argument broke out between a flinty-eyed reformer-cardinal and an iron-willed curia-cardinal. The moment they landed the first punches, flames filled the chapel. The result was a conflagration that nearly burned the Sistine Chapel to the ground. In the end, as both cardinals lay on the floor exhausted, an acrid, black smoke rose from their bodies and exited through the chimneys overhead.

And so it goes in the holy conclave. I thought I'd be able to tell you everything that went on in there. You see, I have a spy who is part of the proceedings. But so far, he's only sent four cryptic words. I'd like to share them with my readers:

"Cardinals farting like trumpets."

That's all I've heard. And you know, I really don't care. Truly, I'm already sick of the new pope. Aren't you? After all, there is no god, so it really doesn't matter. And no matter what, the new pope will be as bad as the last one.

Be still, my heart!

The day has finally arrived! The slithy toves are all, like, totally brillig. Yes, it's the first day of the conclave! (Shouts issue from crowd.)

VATICAN CITY — Cardinal Angelo Sodano, celebrating the Mass on Tuesday preceding the conclave to elect the next pope, issued an appeal for unity in the Catholic Church, which has been damaged by Vatican corruption and clerical sex abuse scandals. (Snip)

He referred to the “luminous pontificate” of the “beloved and venerated Pontiff Benedict XVI, to whom in this moment we renew our profound gratitude,” drawing long applause from the worshippers. A number of the cardinals, but not all, clapped their hands modestly. 

The game is on. There will be only one vote today and it is unlikely to produce a winner. Drat. But at least we can tune out for the day, and tend to our lives. 

Remember to pray for lavender smoke! (Or should we? The last gay pope wasn't exactly helpful to GLBT folks.) Okay, never mind. Pray for black smoke. Let's hope they never settle on a new pope and the church remains rudderless for centuries. Hooray!

Everything is aboveboard. Have no fear.

As cardinals move to elect a new pope, the Vatican has seemed intent on getting people to forget the last one.

The Rev. Federico Lombardi said that Benedict won't be getting any inside information about the conclave — and that he would probably follow the proceedings on TV and by reading newspapers. That's a shift from the line taken just two days earlier, when Lombardi said Benedict is receiving regular briefings on cardinals' meetings from [his wildly attractive secretary] Gaenswein. (Snip.)

Shortly before announcing his retirement, Benedict gave Gaenswein the additional title of prefect of the papal household, meaning he would work with the new pope during the day and stay with Benedict in the evening. 

That has raised speculation about possible secret messages being shuttled between the two popes. Heightening the intrigue over Benedict's possible influence: Gaenswein will be inside the Sistine Chapel for part of the conclave in his new role as prefect. 

Move along. Nothing to see here except sweet, precious holiness. Why, it's as if the Holy Ghost is in charge of the conclave.

Oh, joy!

The last cardinal who will participate in the conclave to elect the next pope arrived in Rome on Thursday, meaning a date can now be set for the election.

The fun is about to begin! I tell you, I'm all fired up. A new popey guy! What fun it'll be to play with him, no matter who he turns out to be. Speaking of the election, who do you think they'll choose? Here are my thoughts.

First off, I doubt they'll pick me as the new pope. For a while, I thought there was an outside chance. But no. I've accepted this. Moving on to other possible candidates, I think the cardinals' childish understanding of sexuality, coupled with the church's monstrous history of preying upon children, will drive them to choose the worst possible candidate.

Yup, I'm talkin' Turkson. A gay-hating, totally straight African pope who's ready to trounce on nuns and other feminine and feminine-like atrocities such as gay people -- would appeal to these cardinals, all of whom were appointed by Ratzinger based on their thick-headedness. 

Or they could go the Disney route and pick Timmy Dolan. I know people are poo-pooing this notion but I think Timmy's got a good chance. After all, he honcho'd the church's pogrom against gays in the US. And he seems to be trying, of late, to become the Mr. Rogers of cardinals. I mean, have you heard the stuff he's said lately? He sounds like Tinkerbell on PCP.

Anyway, those are my two faves for the job of Popey Guy of Planet Earth. What do you think? Got any hot candidates? I'm not familiar with all the cardinals (and neither are they), so there could be another gem in the bunch. But however it goes, we are in for some newfangled fun! Hooray for the (next) popey guy!