I'm sick of the new pope

I've had it with this new pope. He's worse than Ratzinger. Oh no, wait! They haven't hired the new guy yet. Never mind.

So far, we've seen only black smoke coming from the Vatican chimney -- three times. There's a lot of silly news about how they created this intensely black smoke but they're just guessing. Only I have the inside scoop.

It seems an argument broke out between a flinty-eyed reformer-cardinal and an iron-willed curia-cardinal. The moment they landed the first punches, flames filled the chapel. The result was a conflagration that nearly burned the Sistine Chapel to the ground. In the end, as both cardinals lay on the floor exhausted, an acrid, black smoke rose from their bodies and exited through the chimneys overhead.

And so it goes in the holy conclave. I thought I'd be able to tell you everything that went on in there. You see, I have a spy who is part of the proceedings. But so far, he's only sent four cryptic words. I'd like to share them with my readers:

"Cardinals farting like trumpets."

That's all I've heard. And you know, I really don't care. Truly, I'm already sick of the new pope. Aren't you? After all, there is no god, so it really doesn't matter. And no matter what, the new pope will be as bad as the last one.

Be still, my heart!

The day has finally arrived! The slithy toves are all, like, totally brillig. Yes, it's the first day of the conclave! (Shouts issue from crowd.)

VATICAN CITY — Cardinal Angelo Sodano, celebrating the Mass on Tuesday preceding the conclave to elect the next pope, issued an appeal for unity in the Catholic Church, which has been damaged by Vatican corruption and clerical sex abuse scandals. (Snip)

He referred to the “luminous pontificate” of the “beloved and venerated Pontiff Benedict XVI, to whom in this moment we renew our profound gratitude,” drawing long applause from the worshippers. A number of the cardinals, but not all, clapped their hands modestly. 

The game is on. There will be only one vote today and it is unlikely to produce a winner. Drat. But at least we can tune out for the day, and tend to our lives. 

Remember to pray for lavender smoke! (Or should we? The last gay pope wasn't exactly helpful to GLBT folks.) Okay, never mind. Pray for black smoke. Let's hope they never settle on a new pope and the church remains rudderless for centuries. Hooray!

I wonder if they have a secret tree-house

While I was out in the world the other day, I missed a few news stories. This one about the "princes of the church" and their extra-special, double-secret conclave tickled me.

In a rare glimpse of the process, the Vatican showed reporters footage of the cardinals entering the assembly hall and taking their seats, flipping through the book of conclave ritual with its green hard cover, the “Ordo rituum conclavis.”

The cardinals took assigned seats, swore an oath of secrecy and agreed to send a message to Benedict, who has retreated to the papal summer home in Castel Gandolfo outside of Rome.

This sounds like the secret clubs created by little boys. I wonder if they put up a sign that says "No Girls Allowed". Oh, right -- they didn't have to. Virulent sexism is implicit in everything they say and do.