How to pray on a baseball field

He couldn't do this in private?

Here are a few tips for new major league baseball players who may not understand the basics of praying on TV. It's an art, fella!

1. Be ostentatious! Sure, you could just stand there and pray silently -- but what good would that do? No one would know you're praying, and that would make your prayer worthless.

2. Use as many techniques as possible to drill your point home: kneel, make the sign of the cross, point at the sky. Do it all!

3. Never pray next to a praying, opposing player because this would make heads explode. This is strictly forbidden on TV. One violation of this bedrock rule and you'll be sent down to the minors for the entire season.

Now, go forth and pray, young baseball Christian soldiers. Your stupidity will ensure that your soul shoots shoots into heaven when you die. And that's what the game of baseball is all about.

The stupidest holiday of them all

Of all the brain-dead holidays that Americans celebrate, New Year's Day is the stupidest. I still haven't figured out what people think they're "celebrating" -- the turn of a page on a calendar? Whoopee. Yeah, that's fun. Meaningful, too.

On New Year's Eve, people get too drunk, too high, eat too much, have unsafe sex and then crash into innocent people on the way home. Nice holiday. I respect it a lot and can see why people treasure it. Ignorant gits.

It wasn't an easy decision, giving this award to New Year's Day. It had to edge out some serious competition, most notably from July 4th. But New Year's Day definitely gets the Special Gold Dunce Cap.

A holiday that "celebrates" nothing is an amazing thing to observe. I especially love how the stupidest people gather in little prison-cells on 42nd Street to watch a light go up a pole. Now that's entertainment!

So as you celebrate this day of all days, I don't know what the hell you're doing. Wake up! As for me, I have a warm and wonderful feeling in my heart today because I know I'm going to completely destroy this holiday in a future book. I guarantee you that New Year's Day is already shaking in its boots. It feels me sneaking up behind it, and it has every reason to worry.

I will eviscerate you, New Year's Day -- that's a promise.