Not praying until the camera is on you

Wait! Don't pray yet. The camera isn't ready.

I've complained many times on this blog about baseball players who pray before each at-bat. It isn't the Major Christian League, guys. It's America's favorite game, baseball, and there are no gods anywhere in baseball (other than Bryce Harper, of course).

The pitchers are the worst offenders. Some even get down on their attention-seeking knees to pray. But lately I've noticed that timing plays an essential role in these celestial matters.

The pitcher could, of course, pray before he got on the field. But where's the aren't-I-godly percentage in that? No siree. A good Christian pitcher has to pray on the mound, where god intended him to pray.

But only lately have I noticed that many of these holy pitchers wait until the last moment, when they're sure the camera is on them. Why pray as soon as you get to the mound, right? After all, maybe some people aren't looking your way yet. It's far better to wait until everyone else settles down and you're sure the camera is on you. That's the godly time to pray.

Because you want to get your message out. And that message is:

AM I HOLY, OR WHAT?!

How to pray on a baseball field

He couldn't do this in private?

Here are a few tips for new major league baseball players who may not understand the basics of praying on TV. It's an art, fella!

1. Be ostentatious! Sure, you could just stand there and pray silently -- but what good would that do? No one would know you're praying, and that would make your prayer worthless.

2. Use as many techniques as possible to drill your point home: kneel, make the sign of the cross, point at the sky. Do it all!

3. Never pray next to a praying, opposing player because this would make heads explode. This is strictly forbidden on TV. One violation of this bedrock rule and you'll be sent down to the minors for the entire season.

Now, go forth and pray, young baseball Christian soldiers. Your stupidity will ensure that your soul shoots shoots into heaven when you die. And that's what the game of baseball is all about.