News about Doctor Vito!

Nilda Hu.

We have been blessed, my children, not by some dumb god but by fortune itself. Word has leaked out of Fort Leavenworth -- Doctor Vito lives! But let me not tell the tale. The following is a guest post by Nilda Hu, the stylish operative from WikiLeaks who was in the Vatican dungeon as Doctor Vito was savagely brutalized by the popey guy.

Greetings blog readers,

My name is Nilda Hu and I carry a message from Doctor Vito. I managed to talk my way into Fort Leavenworth, where he's being held in unspeakably primitive conditions.

Sadly, I was not able to speak to Doctor Vito himself. The guard around him is tightly controlled. But Pfc. Bradley Manning, the famous American hero, is in the next cell and he carried Doctor Vito's message to me. I nearly threw up when I heard what he had to say.

They are not giving Doctor Vito his medical marijuana! As the world knows, Doctor Vito suffers from SBC (Serious Brain Condition) and the only treatment for this disease is daily, heavy marijuana use. If Doctor Vito does not have a joint in his hand he is very, very sick.

Pfc. Manning literally came undone as he told me this. He was crying pitifully for his friend. Manning is such an empathetic soul -- I believe he truly feels the Doctor's pain. Manning said no one should spend a minute worrying about him. Instead, he wants everyone to concentrate on the medical marijuana issue for Doctor Vito. It's very important to him. I could see it in his eyes.

And so I call out to the readers of the Worlds Blog. Do everything you can, bang and make noise, wear bells on your clothes, and spit in the face of anyone you pass who seems to be anti-Doctor Vito. What we need is hundreds of thousands of people carrying signs that say "Dope for Doctor Vito!"

I wish I could help with this noble cause but my mentor Julian Assange has plans for me. I'm off to the next hotspot -- well, after a bit of plastic surgery. I'll soon look completely different. It's how we secret agents roll. That's why I agreed to allow my photograph to appear on this blog.

Adieu! And do not forget that precious soul, Doctor Vito, who languishes in a prison simply because America has fallen in love with tyranny. This man deserves not torture or imprisonment but marijuana and our thanks! There has never been a mind as deep and incisive as Dr. Vito's. We must free him so he can eventually lead not a nation -- but the world!

I bid you farewell,

Nilda Hu

Back to me. I know readers will dive into this new campaign with vigor. We must get Doctor Vito his medical marijuana -- at least two ounces daily. We will succeed, people, because a precious man is counting on us.

Be strong! Marshal your forces and let me know what activities you plan on the local level. First we will get Dr. Vito his medicine -- and then we will free him!

Wikileaks speaks

The precious Doctor Vito.

This morning I had an hourlong video-chat with Julian Assange. The news is grim. Doctor Vito is indeed imprisoned -- and you won't believe the route his imprisonment has taken. Read on if you think you can stomach the news.

Popey guy's not even hiding it anymore.

Terrible news from Wikileaks founder

A man almost as great as Dr. Vito.

I have been in contact with Julian Assange. The news is so sickening that it will take me the whole day to coax my shocked body into writing a post about it. Perhaps Nils will help me. But don't worry -- I'll push myself and I promise that this very night, at 10 PM, I will post the next installment of what is becoming a hellacious saga.

If prayer was worth spit, I'd say it was time to pray for Doctor Vito. But it isn't, so don't bother. I'll see you back here late tonight.

Oh, the humanity!

Assange has contacted me regarding Doctor Vito!

That dapper fellow, Julian Assange.

I just received an email from Julian Assange. I can hardly type these words, I'm shaking so badly. Here is the exact message I received, in its entirety:

Dear WriteNow,

I am afraid I have depressing news for you and your legion of readers. My operatives have yet to confirm some of the more sordid details, but I can tell you one thing right now.

Those were not women who went to Doctor Vito's room the night he disappeared. Far from it. They were the special Vatican eunuchs -- the elite Assassin Castrati. These agents of evil plied their (seemingly) womenly wares and in this way lured the normally vigilant but oversexed Doctor Vito into their trap. The demons rendered him unconscious and spirited him away, taking him deep below the Earth, into the darkest, most ancient tunnels beneath the Vatican -- 22 stories down. What happened to him after that, none can say, other than the popey guy. The Assassin Castrati are his personal army; they do nothing without his orders.

My operatives are still confirming other, quite intriguing aspects of the crime. I will not hint at their nature until I can present you with the big picture. Nonetheless, at this time we can state with certainty that what was done to your philosopher king was both horrendous -- and an international crime. Rest assured, Wikileaks will get to the bottom of this.

I hear my operatives calling me. I must go. For now, keep clapping, people! Whatever you do, don't stop.

Julian Assange

That's it. I know no more. But, OMG! The elite Assassin Castrati have Doctor Vito! And what hurts the most is that he's such a virile man.

Rest assured, the moment I receive a fuller report from Wikileaks -- you will have it. I know my readers feel the loss of this great man as keenly as I do. And now, I must try to get some rest. I haven't slept since Doctor Vito was taken -- truly. But I think Wikileaks can proceed now without my help. So I'm going to stagger over to the cot I set up here in the Situation Room, and try to catch a few winks. Ciao. And you heard Julian: keep clapping!

(Pssst, if you don't know anything about this and wonder what the hell we're talking about, click the Doctor Vito tag below. You'll find all the posts about him there. And then start clapping; fer gawd's sake, start clapping!)

I don't want to worry anyone but . . .

Missing!

Doctor Vito is missing! He and I were in constant contact until his appearance on Al Jazeera but right after that, he stopped responding to my emails. Then late last night I received a tweet from Chiffon Reeve of the Doctor Vito Foundation -- and it's as bad as I feared.

Chiffon, who was traveling with Doctor Vito, said she left their suite at a Libyan hotel so Doctor Vito could have sex with some women. She was afraid to leave the building because the streets were wild with protests, so she brought her laptop to the lobby and spent a few hours visiting atheist web sites and listening to the explosions and gunfire.

She said she must have dozed off at some point because she awakened at 1:15 am. And when she packed up the laptop and returned to their room, she found it empty! And on the bed, arranged in a cross, were ten special-issue Vatican bibles -- the rare "Pilgrim" volumes. Chiffon's blood ran cold the moment she saw the evil tomes. Doctor Vito had disappeared as a result of religious foul play!

It has been 18 long hours since Chiffon gave me the awful news. I haven't heard a peep since her tweet -- and that means Doctor Vito is still missing!

I know that a huge number of Libyans read this blog. I beg you, please put your revolution aside for the moment and help us find this invaluable intellectual! The man is a noted expert! That's Doctor Vito's image at the top of this post. Memorize his face and keep your eyes peeled for him! Please know that I understand you're busy right now and this request comes at a bad time for you, but for heaven's sake drop everything and help us find Doctor Vito!

Rest assured, Worldsers. I will keep you advised of any late-breaking news. For now, keep your fingers crossed! And Chiffon, if you're out there, tweet me!

Did you see Doctor Vito on TV last night?!

Dr. V on Al Jazeera!

I was watching Al Jazeera TV last night when suddenly who should appear on my screen but Doctor Vito! And he mentioned the blog!

Here's an excerpt from the interview:

Al Jazeera reporter: Doctor Vito, thank you so much for agreeing to appear on the show today.

Doctor Vito: As long as those five beautiful women show up at my room tonight, we're even, buddy.

Al Jazeera: Tell me, Doctor Vito, what brings you to Libya?

Doctor Vito: Well, I'm starting a new gig at a blog next week and I wanted to rest up, to get ready, you know? So I just picked a country name out of a hat. (Notices activity in the square outside, visible through studio window.) What's going on out there? A festival?

Al Jazeera: (Looks embarrassed) I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you were here to talk about the Libyan situation.

Doctor Vito: What Libyan situation? Is it okay if I smoke? (Takes out pack of Luckies, lights one.) It's just that my new gig is on this great blog called The Worlds Blog. (Smiles broadly). It's number one on the Vatican's hate list. That's how the whole thing came about. In a men's room in Rome last month, I noticed the popey guy hanging out near the stalls and overheard him spewing venom about this blog. So I checked it out. Love the baseball talk! (Link to the Worlds Blog appears at bottom of Al Jazeera screen.)

Tell me, son. Is something going on in this country? (Looks out window, sees multiple explosions, sits up straighter.) Hell! Now you tell me what's going on right now!

And then we lost electricity. I never did find out what happened during the rest of the show. But let me tell you: the blog hits shot up after Al Jazeera showed the site address onscreen. Dog! I swear, you guys are gonna love Doctor Vito. He is so aware. It's eerie!

Doctor Vito not amused

Uh-oh. I just got a testy email from Doctor Vito. It seems he visited the blog to check out the questions that readers have posed for his first column, and came away sorely disappointed.

He was horrified to find only two, brief questions awaiting him. He told me he had expected to find at least a few hundred, if not over a thousand, questions. To find only two, well it hit the man below the belt. It really did.  I've never read a sadder email.

People, you must try harder. How can we expect this great man to deliver his special brand of wisdom to us if we can't even pose a few decent questions? Consider yourselves sternly spoken-to.

Now, I hope to find at least 50 questions in the comments. I really do. It's in your hands, readers. Do we attract a true intellectual to this site, or not?

A new era for this humble blog

Doctor Vito, Noted Expert.

A tremendous honor has befallen this blog. I have just been notified that final arrangements to secure the services of Doctor Vito, Noted Expert, were successful! Yes, Doctor Vito will be contributing a regular column to The Worlds Blog, beginning next week.

As I'm sure readers know, Doctor Vito is an expert in all matters. The New York Times once referred to him as "the final arbiter of all things". His credentials cannot be questioned. And this is the calibee of columnist that will soon be available to readers of The World Blog. I am so excited, I can hardly speak.

All that's needed now is your participation. That's right. I want you to dig deep and come up with your most pressing questions about life, love, reality, sex, science, relationships, outer space, morality, indigenous practices -- anything. Remember: there is no topic on which Doctor Vito is not an expert. So ask away.

But as with all things in life, there's a catch. As you know, Doctor Vito is an effete snob. So if you don't come up with interesting questions, he will not write a column! This is his way and we can't argue with genius. So I'm begging you: be creative! Remember, you must stimulate the man to generate a response. And oh, what a response it will be!

You may submit questions for Doctor Vito in the comments of this post (or in any future post). I know I can count on you to add the final ingredient to the mix: questions truly worthy of a great mind. This is your big chance, people. Don't blow it!

Note: Sketch of Doctor Vito contributed by cousin Carmine. I think he's captured the true essence of the man. Don't you agree?