February 23, 2015

Those brave, brave American mall shoppers

It's hard to contain one's admiration as one observes Americans everywhere, heading to the malls despite the remote possibility of a terrorist attack. Be still, my heart! The sight of so many brave souls marching as one to the malls...humbles me and brings me to my knees. So much heroism in one place!

Have you ever seen such valor? These fine Americans are braving the incredibly infinitesimal chance that they will be the victims of terrorism (and hopefully end up being interviewed on Fox News). Seriously, have you ever witnessed such bravery in your life? Just look at their full shopping bags! These are true Americans who do the fruited plains justice.

And you know what? One aspect of their bravery has not been noted in media broadcasts or in print, until this very moment. Yes, it's time for more Breaking News on the Worlds Blog. It is this: not one item in any of those shopping bags is needed! No, these Americans literally braved gunfire for stuff they didn't need. Cuz that's the kind of patriots they are!

I insist that the Pentagon issue Medals of Valor to each and every American shopper who shows up at a mall, anytime this year.

Oh, oh -- and there should be a statue, too. Yes, that's a fine idea. A statue of The Valorous American Shopper should be erected immediately at every mall in this country. Preferably, each statue should feature a brave shopper who is carrying four full shopping because he wants to exercise his freedoms.

Truly, the heart thrills at the very thought of these new American Heroes. USA!! USA!!

Meh. And oy, too. (And yeesh.)


Artichoke Annie said...

My Mall is the Internet, put a statue there baby!

Seriously I love it when your write like this. Should be required reading for every red blooded American and even all those American-Wannabe's.

writenow said...

I picture the statue as the Pillsberry doughboy, carrying four shopping bags hi A. Thanks.

Artichoke Annie said...

How cool would it be if UPS would deliver packages in large shopping bags...

Got to go, February specials are about to expire.