The ineffable mystery of laundry

Maker of All Radiant?

I have continued my foray into the the world of washing clothes. As I mentioned recently, All Radiant -- although it stinks of chemicals flowers -- will turn your white clothes white! Seriously, shockingly white. In that post I said I'd never use it again because of the stink bouquet...but I couldn't leave it there. There was one detail that haunted me.

It says on the label of All Radiant that it not only gets your whites white, it also brightens colors. I think there's something unholy about that. It's surely unethical. Yet the idea nagged at me. Had it really become possible (slaps face) to wash whites and colors together?! I had to learn if this was true.

So I took a new set of forest green flannel sheets and tossed them into the wash. Into the tub, I added just a bit of All Radiant and then a dose of detergent. And then (slaps face) I put a white kitchen towel in. (How that hurt!) And then pushed the button. Horrors! What had I done?

An hour later I got the miraculous answer to my question: although it was impossible, the white towel came out even whiter. Now I don't know about you, but I find this positively scandalous.

We cannot put whites and colors into the wash, willy nilly, and expect civilization to survive. This disgusting idea defies traditional Judeo-Christian values. Please take a moment to remember what Jesus Christ said atop Mount Everest on that Tuesday afternoon long, long ago:

"Thou shalt not mix whites and colors in the same wash."

That's authority enough for me, and I hope it is for you. All Radiant is obviously a demonic product, meant to seduce men's souls. It defies the natural order of god-directed laundry pursuits.

I reach out to you today for the good of the country. Don't mix your whites and colors. If you do, you'll ruin everyone's ability to do laundry. Suddenly people won't know which clothes to throw into which load. They'll freeze, dooming them to life as a statue. As a result, civilization will come to an abrupt halt -- and Nazis will rule once again.

I beg of you: do your laundry the way god planned it -- whites in one load, colors in another. Now, go with god, my children.