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Each day, religious wingnuts tell gay people that they weren't born gay. Gayness is apparently just an illusion, even if we can remember same-sex attractions from when we were five years old. Never mind all that, they say. We can turn straight any time we want to (if we ask Jeebus for help).

I think these folks should demonstrate this simple sexual orientation-changing process by, say, having one of their straight male bigots turn gay. You know, so we can see how easy it is to change one's sexual orientation. That's the challenge, bigots -- just turn gay, preferably while a camera is rolling.

But as I think further about this, I realize such a demonstration would have little meaning. Because let's face it, almost every bigot who says gays can go straight...is actually a closet case. And seeing a closet case "turn gay" would be a joke. They're already gay.

Never mind.

The folly of theologians

From this morning's post by Jerry Coyne:

...I suspect that the great majority of theologians who confect “proofs” of God were born to a faith, imbibed it with their mother’s milk, and then never grew up, but simply used the intellectual skills they acquired to justify their childhood beliefs. Such people were perfectly able to give up their belief in Santa Claus, but can’t do that for God. But of course Santa doesn’t bring us an afterlife for Christmas.

I love Jerry. No one sticks it to religionists like he does. No one. (Okay, PZ comes close.)

Danger to Earth from cosmic impacts underestimated

On Google's news page today, right above a story with the headline "Sightings of Meteor 'Fireball' in S. California sky", I found this story:

NASA has revealed new research on the Chelyabinsk meteorite that exploded over Russia in February, and the findings aren't good: not only does it look like the astronomic models about the number of similar-sized things reaching Earth are wrong, but also the damage they can do is much greater than expected.

"Over the past few decades we've seen an impact rate about seven times greater than the current state of the telescopic surveys would indicate."

The article ends with this:

The Chelyabinsk meteorite had given new urgency to a campaign to bring more capabilities to addressing the issue of asteroid impacts ("It's a great advertisement," Johnson joked) and provided an incentive to improve our chances of spotting threats in the future. Whether governments are willing to put up the relatively small amounts of money needed to take things further is another matter however. 

Because really, why bother? We don't have time to concentrate on a possible global extermination event caused by asteroid impacts -- or climate change, for that matter. And there's a very good reason why we don't have time for thinking, and such-like. It's because we are busy doing the Lord's work of inserting Jeebus into our sacred American Constitution. So, for heaven's sake, enough with this asteroid piffle!

Now, what was I thinking about before this nonsense intruded on my beautiful mind? Oh yes, I was meditating about Jeebus' cosmically benevolent nature and his tremendous love for us, his precious Children. Mmmmmm. Jeebus.

What the heck is this?

In a newspaper obituary for a wildly religious person, it noted that he "confessed Christ in 1998". Confessed Christ? I hadn't heard the term before.

Some web page says Jeebus said:

"Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven" (Matthew 10:32-33).

Well, then, I'm glad that's all cleared up. I love that this is the sort of thing that's mentioned by date in one's obituary. It's right up there with being born again, which people also seem to refer to by date. "Three years ago I was born again in Jeebus Christ." Whatever. It's just another example of Christians wasting their time on stuff that isn't real.

Remember: Religion is a magic fence around nothing. Hmmm. Maybe I should put that in my obituary. It could say, "On a Tuesday afternoon in September of 2005, while drinking a lovely cup of espresso, Keith noticed that religion is a magic fence around nothing."

Creationist lunacy

Both PZ and Jerry Coyne focused on one particular intelligent-design fool's remarks today. I want to excerpt something the creationist idiot said. Here's the quote:

Is the process of eating and cellular respiration the result of a mere fluke of evolution? Alternatively, could it be that a common Designer made certain that the process of eating and cellular respiration would function in such a precise and perfect manner? Which answer appears to be the most probable to you?

Yes, indeed. Jeebus sure did make everything convenient for us, didn't he? I mean, if you think about it, he's the one who's responsible for ensuring that children who are buried under an earthquake -- but still alive -- have the awareness to know that rats are eating them as they die. And come to think of it, it must be this Jeebus fellow who made pain so painful. Wow, he was really watching out for us with that one, huh? Thankfully, because of Jeebus' "precise and perfect" ministrations, many people live in intense, unbearable and constant pain throughout their lives. Jeebus must be one swell guy. 

I swear, these creationists haven't got a single brain cell in their heads. They can't think clearly about anything.

Where does Nick Kristof hang out?

There was an op-ed at the NY Times this weekend by Nicholas Kristof. It's called Learning to Respect Religion, so right-off, you know it's bad. Whenever I read one of Kristof's columns, I think that he is a good-hearted man who doesn't think clearly. He never seems to understand the issue he's writing about.

The article is another instance of the "darn those nasty atheists" meme. They always want us to make nice. In the eyes of religious apologists, atheists are supposed to be extra sweet and polite during every exchange we have with them. The problem, of course, is that we talk about real things in our arguments while they point to sky and say, "oh, oh, oh . . . jeebus!" It's hard not to come down heavily on people who don't make sense. Here's Nick K:

[Speaking of the recent past] Atheists were firing thunderbolts suggesting that “religion poisons everything,” as Christopher Hitchens put it in the subtitle of his book, “God Is Not Great.” Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins also wrote best sellers that were scathing about God, whom Dawkins denounced as “arguably the most unpleasant character in fiction.”

Yet lately I’ve noticed a very different intellectual tide: grudging admiration for religion as an ethical and cohesive force. 

Where exactly do you hang out, Nick? In Christian fan clubs? Because what I see is more and more people coming to understand that religion is nonsense, and speaking out about it -- and not nicely. We're tired of religion. It saps the energy of the world, energy that could and should be directed at real things, like resolving the problems that face humanity.

After that crummy start to the column, Kristof goes on to praise Alain de Botton's nonsensical idea of making atheism more like religion. de Botton wants us to create temples for atheism, fer god's sake, and perform secret rituals. The man has been branded a fool by every atheist worth his salt. Cozying up to a nitwit does not make your arguments more cogent, Nick. It just shows that you naturally gravitate toward fluff and nonsense (like religion).

Twisted Catholic morality

You know the church lady in NYC who stole a million dollars from the church she worked for? Here's the story about it. And here's a quote from the sainted woman herself:

“I went to Mass every day,” Collins said, portraying herself as a devout Catholic pained by her sins. “My faith is strong. I’m praying for all the people I’ve hurt.” 

She issued 458 checks recorded as being for legitimate expenses like electricity and office supplies, prosecutors say. She deposited the checks, written out to her son, into her own bank account. “I’m at peace with God,” Collins told the Daily News, insisting her repeated breaking of the Eighth Commandment was forgiven,'

God is really handy when you break laws. Well, as long as she's fine with god, I guess that's all that matters.

Well, all right then

Blending politics and religion, President Barack Obama said his Christian faith is a driving force behind his economic policies, from Wall Street reform to his calls for the wealthy to pay higher taxes.

Phew. Everyone stand down. Jeebus is on the case. Thank dog!

I wonder

Every star twinkling in the night sky plays host to at least one planet, a new study suggests. That implies there are some 10 billion Earth-sized planets in our galaxy.

I wonder if Jeebus visited them all. He must have, huh? Watta guy!

Polish Roman Catholics are nuts too

If you want to read a really funny story about religious nitwits, click on over to Polish Catholics see Miracle in Communion Wafer at the NY Times today.

It's very funny. There's a red spot on a wafer and you know it's definitely a miracle. In fact, it must be a piece of the actual heart of Jeebus, come down to Earth to haunt people.

Religious nitwits are everywhere, not just in the U.S.

Oops: Re-published to fix link.

Before they went mad

A few months back, in a post about creativity v. creationism, I lightly referred to people who were great writers -- and then lost their minds. Whitley Strieber is the primary example of this. He wrote two of the most excellent novels in the English language, The Hunger and The Wolfen, but then he started seeing aliens and writing crazy-people books. It was a huge loss.

And then there's Ann Rice. There was a time when she wrote one excellent novel after another in original, almost unearthly prose. Yes, she was a horror writer but her talent would have made her stand out in any genre. Her books are literature. But at some point, the poor thing discovered jeebus and lost her talent. Jeebus does that to people. (Seen any creative Christians lately? Haha, just kidding. There aren't any.)

Humans are pattern-seeking creatures

The offending kudzu. (Pic stolen from HuffPo).

We see funny, ridiculous stories like this all the time:

KINSTON, N.C.— Residents in an eastern North Carolina city say a patch of kudzu growing on a utility pole is more than an invasive vine. They see a likeness to Jesus Christ on the cross.

Have you ever wondered why people see jeebus everywhere? It's simple: people see patterns. It's what we do. This talent helped our ancestors to survive and that's why it persists in humans to this day. We had to see patterns, had to notice that when we traded with a particular person we always got the raw end of the deal. It was a pattern. Seeing patterns helps us to survive into the future.

It's a wildly useful talent. Early humans saw patterns all around them. They noticed that Winter comes once a year and that the seasons occur in a regular order. By keeping track of these patterns they were able to plan and survive -- and they invented science: the investigation of patterns.

Unfortunately, this human talent is active even when it's not needed and this produces useless perceptions like the faces and animals that we (think we) see in clouds. It's a talent that is always looking for an object; it can't stop seeing patterns. So we see an old man in the curl of the tablecloth, a figure in the shadows. This inerrant pattern recognition does us no good -- but we can't turn it off. It's how brains work.

We extend this talent further when we think that the wind and storms have a personality. We see a pattern and decide it's Mother Nature. But there is no Mother Nature. It's just something we once thought we saw. This talent is what gives rise to the idea of gods, a notion meant to be the ultimate summary of all patterns.

But the cloud creatures and Mother Nature and the gods are random products of aimless pattern-seeking, a talent gone mad. And those who fall prey to the god pattern see it all around them: in toast, oils spills, wood knots -- and vines.

It's a basic human capability gone haywire. When not put to good use, pattern-seeking latches on to nonsensical things and tries very hard to see them as something real. That's its job. It's like a kid that needs a project -- it just can't settle down. But it's all just static in our brains, a game that doesn't know how to shut itself off. There is no jeebus in the vines or anywhere else.

We see these things because we're hairless monkeys. We can't help it; evolution made us this way. This talent is both our saving grace and a swift portal to irrationality.

Jesus skips camp; shows up for season

During baseball's spring training, I noticed that the players did not make the sign of the cross before taking a swing. And the pitchers never knelt in ceremonial, look-at-me-I'm-holy prayer before taking the mound. It was refreshing to see that Jesus wasn't invited to camp.

But on Opening Day, Jesus charged out onto the field with our boys. Hooray! Now the lads don't have to suffer outside the sight of their Lord. They are again in his Grace. We know because the stupid twits never miss an opportunity to flash that magic hand across their head, shoulders and heart. Jeebus rides with them once again! I can't wait to see my first pitcher kneeling so everyone can check out how pious he is.

So yes, Jeebus is back. But let us remember for all time that He is not welcome at spring training. I get more fond of spring training with each passing year. It's a good, clean time.

PS: I was going to include a photo of players or teams praying but was utterly horrified by the sheer glut of such pictures I found with a simple search. Ugh. There is no god, people. And players shouldn't bring their absurd religious fantasies into the national game of baseball. They soil the game (and their religion too, by the way; but that's another post for a different blog).