Goodness gracious

I have been out among the people -- and I return with a heavy heart. People, people, people. Have I taught you nothing?

I actually saw people take a paper towel and fold it without squaring the corners! I know you don't believe me but it's true. These paper towels were folded so cavalierly, so dismissively, that their corners were sticking out all over the place!

Perhaps worse, some people purchased rectangular paper towels instead of square ones! You cannot make a perfect square with a rectangular paper towel. You just can't. For this reason, sensible Americans don't buy those brands.

People, you must take more care with your daily doings. If you don't square the corners when you fold a paper towel, how can you expect other people to do it properly? This is the first step on the road to ruin. The moral slide that begins with a badly folded paper towel advances swiftly to tags sticking out the backs of shirts. America's reputation is already strained. Don't add to it!

Gotta go out today. So all you get is this foolish post, at least for now. I know this hurts you. Try to hang on.

One of life's joys

You know how when you're bopping down the street, your ponytail bounces into your elbows? Fun, huh?

I have promoted Milo and his flock

Milo, the proudest and finest goose in the world, who heads the flock at my local pond, was in for a surprise this morning. He didn't see it coming.

I says to him, "Milo, first of all, I am promoting your flock. Henceforth it shall be a Legion." And then I really shocked him. "And, Milo," I says, "you are now a we." In case he didn't get the big picture, I explained this further. I says, "Milo, what this means is from now on, you can say, 'We are Legion' -- even when you're alone! Say it proudly, Milo, and say it often."

I know the Vatican is reading this post. They always do. I hear there's a full staff that attend to my blog and try to come up with counter-prayers, to keep me at bay. Hmph. As if they could.

Listen to me, Vatican guys. If you don't knuckle under to my gay atheist demands...all of them, I will send Milo's Legion to your accursed city and direct them to poop on your graven images -- but only after they poop on your heads. Take that, Vatican.

So, yeah. Milo got promoted. Cool, huh? Hark, I hear the Legion now. They're passing over the house. I think I'm beginning to understand their language. I can't be sure, but I think I heard one say, "I can't wait to poop on the popey guy!"

PS: I'm still sick. I think a spider's bite is at the root of my problems. So this pathetic post is probably all you'll find here today. Where is wellness, I ask you, where is wellness?!

Technique needs fine-tuning

A topless woman confronted the head of the Russian Orthodox Church as he arrived in Kiev on Thursday in the latest in a string of eye-catching stunts pulled by a Ukrainian feminist group.

If you really want to get the attention of these guys, use a bottomless male activist. Just saying.