Edna Christ, wife of Jesus, confirmed as real

Despite Vatican protestations, it is confirmed. A bit of papyrus that says Jesus not only had a wife but considered her a proper disciple, is not a modern forgery.

A faded fragment of papyrus known as the “Gospel of Jesus’s Wife,” which caused an uproar when unveiled by a Harvard Divinity School historian in 2012, has been tested by scientists who conclude in a journal published on Thursday that the ink and papyrus are very likely ancient, and not a modern forgery.

Edna Christ is real. Of course, I knew this all along because She appeared unto me shortly after the papyrus was discovered. It was a lovely Visitation, wherein She told me that She is a god, fully equal to Jesus. She also informed me that I will live a long life and go to heaven -- and that my book, Xmas Carol, will be remembered as one of the greatest stories ever told. It's true; She said this unto me.

The Vatican didn't like this news when it first came out, and they are surely unhappy to receive today's shocking confirmation. Jesus had a wife and respected her! If this is true, as seems to be the case, then priestly celibacy is simply a jerkwad policy created by a deluded, modern church that long ago lost its way. Sounds right to me.

Pray unto Edna. Her juju is much more powerful than Jesus'. And she cares, unlike the Big Guy. Hail Edna!

Who really invented the internet?

Edna Christ, wife of Jesus.

The other day, I forgot to give thanks for the internet. And don't give me credit for remembering it now. This oversight was revealed to me by god, herself.

Yes, Edna Christ -- Jesus' wife -- appeared to me last night. Oh, and you should have seen her! She let me snap her photo for the blog -- that's it at left -- but she looks much more impressive in person. And she smells of cookies -- macaroons, I think. But I digress.

In her omniscient, slightly nagging way, Edna reminded me to be thankful for the internet. She said it is a sacrament. And then she told me the true story of how the internet came to be. Edna invented it! She came up with the idea during one of the long walks she always takes, to get away from Jesus. But let her tell you in her own words. I asked Siri to record everything she said during her visitation. Here is the relevant portion of what she said unto me:

"Keith, you sweet, sweet person, I want to tell you a story...(blah, blah, blah)...and so I came up with the idea for the internet. I whispered the details into Al Gore's ear -- and he took it from there. For years, he was intensely involved with setting up the nodes and protocols. That's why he was so skinny, back then. But you know, the moment he plugged in the final circuit that turned the internet on, he went back to the donuts. Oy. He's such a donut lover, that Al!"

Is that incredible or what? Oh, Edna, now that you've come back to us we are once again hopeful and filled with joy. All hail Edna! (And yes, she told me much, much more. But you can fit only so much Divine Revelation in one post. Stay tuned.)

Jesus and Edna appeared to me last night

Edna and Jesus Christ

I couldn't believe it. Jesus and Edna Christ were standing in the middle of my living room. It was a miracle!

Edna did most of the talking. Here's the headline: Jesus never returned to Earth or answered our prayers because he wasn't the one with the magic powers. That's Edna's bailiwick.

But now she's back! The snafu that kept her from us all these years is one of those inexplicable god rules: Edna couldn't appear on Earth until someone knew she existed. This weekend, when that Christian lady announced the discovery of the papyrus that mentions Jesus' wife, the magic stay was lifted.

So now Edna is available to answer our prayers. From now on, as long as we pray to Edna, babies won't get fatal diseases; children won't be buried alive in earthquakes; and no one will suffer endless pain! Praise Edna!

She's ba-ack and she's ready to respond to your prayers. Hallelujah!

PS: Toward the end of the visitation, Edna took me into the bathroom so Jesus wouldn't hear her words. Once the door was closed (and locked), she leaned close and whispered in my ear. (Her breath smelled like cookies, BTW). She said unto me, "Your book, Xmas Carol, will be the most popular novel ever written. You've done a fine thing, my son." And then she said something so marvelous: "Your entry to heaven is guaranteed." Wow!