Dolan's hate-filled Catch-22

The evil Timothy Dolan

Luckily for us, the evil head of the NY archdiocese, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, went on TV yesterday to "clarify" the pope's words about gay people.

We really needed his help, since the pope said only a day before, "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?" We're far too stupid to understand a statement like that. So Timmy stepped in it to tell us what the pope's words really mean.

The gay-hating head of the New York Archdiocese, speaking Tuesday on "CBS This Morning," praised the new pope for the "beautifully tender way" that he spoke about the issue one day earlier.

Nice start, but he went downhill fast. To fully grok his evilness, you must recall that Dolan is the Catholic point-man for attacks on gay marriage. So what did he say on TV, to "clarify" the pope's words? 

Dolan specifically reiterated the church's teaching on same-sex relationships, noting "the immorality, in God's view, of any sexual expression outside of a man and a woman in lifelong marriage."

Thanks, Timmy! So let's see. Sex is only okay when it occurs within a marriage between (ahem) a man and a woman. Isn't that sweet? He reminds us that sex outside marriage is sinful -- and yet he is the honcho who opposes marriage for gays in the United States. So marriage makes sex okay -- but marriage must forever be denied to gay people: Catch-22. Timmy must be so proud of himself.

Thanks a lot, Timmy! We were confused by the pope's kind words but you straightened us out. Now we can go back to beating gay people up, killing them and making fun of them at every opportunity.

Hey Dolan, let me clarify your words for you. You're a filthy, gay-hating pig. If hell was real, it's where you'd belong.

Craven American of the day: Timmy Dolan

There is some hope among American nuns, now that Francis is pope. According to the linked article, many nuns believe that Pope Francis' focus on the poor will blend well with the way the nuns see their mission: to minister to the least fortunate. Mind you, the article also includes the pinched voices of religious authoritarians who seem to hope that the pope will flagellate the nuns in public, preferably in the nude. There will always be ill voices.

However, I found it detestable that cardinal Timmy Dolan would chime in, as if he's the voice of unconditional love:

In an interview with The Associated Press this week, U.S. Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the head of the U.S. bishops' conference, said he expected Pope Francis would bring "freshness" and understanding to the debate with the Leadership Conference..."I think the greatest thing he's going to bring is to say to everybody 'Be not afraid. We're friends. We're on this journey together.'"

Indeed. Timmy, you're not anyone's friend. In fact, as the head of the US. Conference on Catholic Bishops, you had a hand in this debacle. And if I recall correctly, you seemed quite happy with the idea that the nuns would soon suffer at the Vatican's hand. And you certainly never spoke up for them. (Criticize your boss? That's not in your job description, is it, Timmy?) To hop in now and say you hope the pope brings "understanding to the debate" is hypocritical and, in your case, downright craven. Thus I crown you the Craven American of the Day.

We see you, Timmy. We really do. You are the very definition of "repulsive". Thank dog they didn't make you pope.

What they're saying

They say His Eminence, Cardinal Timothy Dolan can’t touch the Host anymore because he’s become so evil. If he touches one, there is a hissing noise and then a pop. The Host is said to burn his fingers, literally setting them on fire.

Since the official Vatican plan calls for Dolan to ascend the popey throne, they created a set of special finger-pads for him. Made from nano-materials, they look like human fingers while providing an effective barrier between His Holiness and the Host. No hiss, no pop. The Vatican says the Host doesn’t even know Dolan’s nearby -- the pads are that good!

And so His Eminence can continue to distribute Holy Communion to the faithful. According to Vatican insiders, when Dolan becomes pope he'll stop all that in-church nonsense and concentrate full-time on demonizing women and gays. They have a plan, the Vatican does.

At least, that's what I heard.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

After seeing Cardinal Timmy Dolan every day for months and months, doing a new, awful thing each time he emerged from the shadows, he's gone missing! I'll bet you didn't even notice his absence. You probably just felt better and didn't know why.

So what's Timmy been doing all this while? Has he realized the error of his ways? Is he in some bunker, trying to think of loving, godly things? Is he mending his ways as we speak?

Of course not. He's dreaming up some new, spectacularly wrong-headed initiative. He's clunking heads with other bent creatures in the brotherhood of bishops, trying to come up with something that'll put him over the top and ensure that his legacy of hatred lasts for centuries.

His reign is very much like the Bush years. After Bush did something really, really wrong, you didn't think, "Oh, he's probably taking lessons to ensure that he doesn't make that mistake again." No. You thought, "What stupid, colossally evil thing will he do next?" And you held your breath. That's the way it is with Timmy.

I wonder what he's doing now. Wait, I'm getting a psychic image. He's bending over something. I think it's a little...yes, it's a little boy! OMD.