How to have a doggie bed

Ever since I mentioned that I sleep on a doggie bed (i.e., a mattress on the floor), I've been inundated with requests from readers. They say, "Oh, Keith, I want to have a doggie bed too! But I don't know how to handle my fears of...you know." I've probably gotten hundreds of such emails, if not thousands.

It's really quite simple. Here are the Three Rules of Having a Doggie Bed:

First Rule:

There are no spiders anywhere in your home. Why would they be? You're a very clean person.

Second Rule:

There is no such thing as a spider. Spiders come from dreams. They aren't real. So never worry about encountering a spider.

Third Rule

Get white sheets and blankets so you'll be able to see the spiders clearly as they march onto your doggie bed.

Special Bonus Rule:

Never look at this photo.

Totally cool

Update: it seems I'm the only one in the entire world who hasn't heard this song before today. That's what happens to us hermits: we slip out of touch. From now on, if you encounter something wondrous -- fer hevin's sake, tell me about it.

This is Israel (“Iz”) Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole, doing his version of "Over the Rainbow". Floored me. He died at 38 years old. (Hat tip to Jerry Coyne.)