March 5, 2016

My hope for the Olympics

Yeah, yeah, the Zika virus. I know. Still, there could be something scintillating at this year's Olympics, something that will have everyone jumping out of their seats.

Yes, I'm hoping for the long-awaited Saran Wrap Handling event. Can you imagine the excitement? Mortals can't even touch Saran Wrap without it turning into a tangled ball. But there are some halcyon individuals who can handle this challenge -- and it is they who will enter the Olympic competition.

Just picture the championship event, the penultimate Advanced Saran Wrap Handling competition. A pitcher tosses a savory roast toward the competitor -- who wraps it as it passes by in the air, without ever slowing its passage. Like magic, the wrapped roast lands on the target table behind the competitor.

And here comes a pie. (The event includes increased difficulty with each pass.) Oh, it's the dreaded custard pie -- the hardest kind to wrap in the air. But the stalwart competitor hardly moves. His or her hands fly up into the air, and voila! The wrapped pie ends up on the target table.

And in the final round, a Bloody Mary is tossed from a glass into the air. Can the competitors possibly wrap it before it spreads too far? Oh, the agony of competition!

Fans will jump out of their seats as they watch this virtual sorcery. Could anything be more exciting and sportsmanlike? No! This is what Olympic fans have been waiting for.

I cannot wait to see this.

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