Words, words, words

The other day I asked myself what was the most meaningful relationship of my life. The answer wasn't another person, it was my relationship with language. Words. I love 'em. Here are a few thoughts about how we use them.

My blue collar friends (I have a lot) say things that I find intriguing. Like "butt naked" instead of "buck naked". They have their own language. When they see me in "dress-up" clothes they always say "hey, you scrub up good!" To them, it's really an achievement to be able to make yourself look like a city feller. I think that's sweet.

Moving along, have you noticed that people no longer say "deteriorate"? Instead, they say deteriate. It's as if the word deteriorates before they can get it out of their mouths.

And now we come to an extremely crucial moment in our discussion of words. Yes, I give you: somersault vs. tumblesauce, the eternal question. Which is right? Maybe some of you have never heard the term tumblesauce. But in NY, especially years ago, it was the word for a somersault. Why? Who the hell knows. I think this use is centered in NYC, but since New Yorkers migrate all over the place, you may have heard it even if you live out west. No one knows where it came from, this tumblesauce word. I think it's simply a kid term, perhaps a silly word invented by parents when playing with their toddlers. Or maybe kids created the word as they laughed and did somersaults. I confess I smile when I hear someone say tumblesauce. It's so darn cute.

Last night I was laughing in bed at the word "smidgeon". It's a word that's intrinsically amusing. Today's dictionaries use the spelling "smidgen" but I don't approve of that. I like the word smidgeon but it also seems silly, which is what makes me smile. What I don't enjoy are people who, when you offer them food or drink, reply "Just a smidge". No matter what the thing is, they only want a smidge. It's an epidemic of cutesy word use and I don't like it. Ah haz spoken.

Yesterday I had so much fun working on my book. I just love words, I can't help it. To think that I get to play with them all day! It's amazing. And they say there's no heaven. Bah. It's all around us. You just have to know where to look.

Okay, that's it. You may return to your normal lives now. A suggestion: for the rest of the day, try to enjoy your use of language. Words are toys that anyone can play with. Play with yours today. Enjoy!

What's going on in Putin's Russia?

Vladimir Putin is a monster. He has radically altered the calculus on Russia's interactions with the world. Let us recall that right after his tacky hosting of the Olympics (you remember the bathrooms with too many toilets in them and no dividers, right?), he swooped in and stole Crimea. Then he attacked Ukraine and his hooligans shot down a plane full of Dutch tourists.

So what's Puti doin' now? Here are a few postcards from Russia:

Russia signed a contract Friday to build two more nuclear reactors in Iran to be possibly followed by another six, a move intended to cement closer ties between the two nations.

Russian soccer teams are facing a severe financial squeeze, with the Ukraine conflict and plummeting ruble leaving clubs short of money but with soaring wage bills.

The international news channel CNN says it will halt broadcasting in Russia due to recent changes in media legislation.

Hmmm, doesn't sound good, does it? And let's remember the man has nukes, lotsa nukes. This will not end well. I fully expect Putin to erupt in the coming months and do something incredibly destructive. It's just the way he is: flawed beyond imagination. The man truly is a monster (and the Russian people aren't far behind him in this respect; they just love beating up their gay boys).

Russia is a pig sty, and a dangerous one.

Worrying is a waste of time

On Friday I received a letter from my insurance company saying that my doctor will no longer accept my insurance, so I need a new primary immediately. My doctor, in other words, was no longer my doctor. Oy.

I love my doctor. He's a guy who treats me respectfully while really fixing my problems. I think of him as a miracle worker. And he's not a drug pusher. He usually comes up with a non-medication-based solution to my problems. I love that! (As to the "respect" issue, I've had trouble with anti-gay doctors who treat me dismissively. Tattoos are also something that can freak out white doctors and make them think you're a drug-mad biker -- even though you never ask them for a pain killer. Oy again.)

There was also a good chance that I would lose all my doctors, since they're part of the same medical practice that I was being told wouldn't take my insurance. And I'm just about to begin a long period of allergy treatments with one of them. And again, I love this doctor. She fixed my severe breathing problems in two short visits. Another veritable miracle worker -- and now I can't see her either?!

Okay, so that's the background. You'd think I would worry all weekend, what with this prospect blowing in the wind. But I didn't think about it at all. Not even once. My take on life is that you don't worry about anything until you're really, really forced to address the issue. So I had a lovely weekend. Even painted my nails candy apple red. Fun!

This morning, I remembered and called my doc's office. They said further negotiations between the medical practice and my insurance company resolved the issue. I can stay with my doc(s).

There was no need to worry. I find this is usually the case. The moral is this: don't worry until you have to. It's often a waste of time and energy.

Oldest photo of human being

Have you seen this photo? I think it's marvelous. The image was photographed in Paris in 1838! How do ya like them apples? I mean, jeebus, that was 180 years ago. And get this: it was taken by Louis Daguerre, yes, as in "daguerreotype". That guy.

Look at the man in the photo (he's at bottom-left in the larger photo; for a better view, see the blown-up inset below). He seems to be getting his shoes shined. I love the lyrical stance of the fellow. The sprightly way he's holding his body tells me he's a sophisticated man-about-town in 1838. It's a bit like having a telescope that allows you to view the past. To me, this is such a striking scene.

Pretty cool, no?

Image: Wikipedia Commons via Mashable

U.S. bishops struggling under Francis' pontificate

Aw, the poor evil things. My headline is taken from an AP article I found at the NY Times today. Apparently, we're supposed to feel sorry for these incredibly disgusting "conservative" cardinals. Wait a minute while I cry for them. Hah. These guys are the church's official hitmen -- or rather, they were in the days of Pope Ratzinger. They engage in their most evil activities under the banner of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, where they mount campaigns against gay people, against gay marriage, against reproductive rights, against female priests, etc. They're not for anything but they're against many things. They are the spawn of Satan -- or rather, they would be if there was such a thing as Satan. 

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops are gathering at a moment of turbulence for them and the American church, as Pope Francis moves toward crafting new policies for carrying out his mission of mercy — a prospect that has conservative Catholics and some bishops in an uproar.

They're not even hiding it under the rug anymore. It's right out there for all to see: they find Francis' "mission of mercy" an abomination. How dare the pope forgive people? How dare he welcome them? Doesn't the pope know that Catholicism is all about guilt, hell and policing people's lives? The nerve of the man, trying to disrupt so many blissful centuries of discrimination. Hmph.

"Many of the U.S. bishops have been disoriented by what this new pope is saying and I don't see them really as embracing the pope's agenda," said John Thavis, a former Rome bureau chief for Catholic News Service.

So now they're openly fighting the pope. And why? Because he wants to welcome everyone into the Catholic tent. Not so fast, say the cardinals. This sacred space is only for people who kneel before our majesty as we decry their disgusting sins.

Cardinal Raymond Burke, the former St. Louis archbishop and leading voice for conservative Catholics, said the church "is like a ship without a rudder" under Francis. Burke made the comments before the pope demoted him from his position as head of the Vatican high court, a move he had anticipated.

What Burke, one of the most evil of the archbishops, means is that the pope's ship doesn't have a hateful rudder. Because hate is all these pious cardinals have ever known. It's the blood of Christ, this freely flowing river of hatred. It sustains them and makes their lives meaningful.

I truly hope the church experiences a schism over issues of hatred and discrimination. Some atheist bloggers dread this prospect because it might make one of the offshoots seem "nice" -- and that might attract more people to the meaningless faith.

But I think it would be marvelous if all the hateful people moved to one side of an impermeable barrier. There, they could spew venom for ages and attract all the hateful "believers" like a magnet. And then the new church could be ignored en masse by Americans, since they would be seen as way behind the curve. American Catholics are in favor of contraception, they're in favor of gay marriage and they're obviously in favor of divorce. Catholics divorce as readily as any other American group and they don't worry about jeebus while taking this step. It's an obvious, necessary step -- so they push their religion aside for the moment and do what they have to do. Catholics are like that: sensible, for the most part.

So yes, let's see more evil church leaders speak up. Let them spew their venom and thereby marginalize themselves for all time. It sounds like the sort of thing I could observe with pleasure: religious idiots effectively blowing up their own church. Get the popcorn, kids! It's gonna be a great show.

Photo credit: AP, found at CBS News

See through anything

This could be very cool. Imagine being able to see through any wall. Sure, you'd need a device. But you could see through the wall! I love it.

Here's just one line, to titillate you:

They said "this technology could be used in the cockpit of an airplane to make the floor transparent during landing, enabling the pilot to see the runway in full view."

This and that

The next time someone tells you that nuclear power is "clean energy", say "Oh, that must be why they make dirty bombs from it -- because it's so clean."

You have to admit that Kaci Hickox, the Maine nurse they keep trying to quarantine, is just about the healthiest-looking woman who ever lived. She should do skin commercials.

Here's a question for you: do you answer the phone when Caller ID says it's from "private caller"? I never do. I wouldn't want to violate the caller's privacy by learning who they are. Their secret is safe with me.

I turn subtitles on when I watch movies because the sound is often so bad that I can't figure out what anyone's saying. In the process, I've learned that subtitles are often amusing. For instance, I recently noticed that when a dog barks on-screen, the subtitles say "Woof". And if the dog barks twice, they say "Woof woof". I love that.

I've decided to be successful in everything I do for the rest of my life. It's such a good feeling, knowing that everything will turn out well. Woo-hoo! I'm just saying.

And finally, a word about the baseball season that just ended. No, never mind the play or who won this or that series. The highlight of the baseball season was the wonderful series of signs about Hunter Pence. In SF, the fans adore this guy. So when Mets fans in NY first made a few really silly signs to mock Pence, the SF fans joined in by making even sillier signs about him. I think my favorite is "Hunter Pence would never confuse you're for your". See what I mean? If you'd like to see a slew of these signs, here's a Google images link to them. Fun! (And if you're too lazy to click on links, here's an image of some of the signs:)

And oh yeah, yesterday was Election Day and awful things happened. But never mind.

Vatican statement on Brittany Maynard's assisted suicide

C'mon, admit it. We think that Brittany Maynard was a brave woman who did the right thing while trying to help others by speaking out about assisted suicide. She was a good person. There's no doubt about this...well, to normal people, anyway.

So of course the Vatican has to say something off-key about it. It's their way of "chiming in". (Yeah, they don't quite get the chiming-in thing.)

The Vatican's top bioethics official calls "reprehensible" the suicide of an American woman suffering terminal brain cancer who stated she wanted to die with dignity.

Monsignor Ignacio Carrasco de Paula, the head of the Pontifical Academy for Life, told the ANSA news agency on Tuesday that "dignity is something other than putting an end to one's own life. Dignity is a priest raping an innocent child. Dignity is priests going after gay people who never harmed anyone. And dignity is keeping women down while not having the balls to tell them outright they are worth less than men."

The Roman Catholic church is always on the wrong side of important issues. Their atonal pronouncement about Brittany Maynard will clang in people's minds for quite some time. The church is obviously wrong about this and is, as always, trying to tell others how to live their lives -- though priests have no idea what it's like to live a normal life. "Normal" isn't what they do over at the Vatican, and this is why they can't tell right from wrong.

And of course, being the Vatican, they had to end with one of their "love the sinner, hate the sin" pronouncements:

Carrasco de Paula said "Brittany Maynard's act is in itself reprehensible, but what happened in the consciousness we do not know."

He cautioned that he was not judging individuals "but the gesture in and of itself should be condemned."

Uh-huh. The Vatican: always out of it, always wrong. But then, I guess you can't come down too hard on them. After all, there never was a Jesus Christ, so there is nothing at the heart of their religion. It's all smoke. And smoke doesn't help you much when you're trying to discern right from wrong.

But those of us outside the Jesus bubble can tell. I wonder if there's a moral somewhere in this?

Aurora over Norway

This image is why you need to visit NASA's Photo of the Day site every single day. Click to see a huge version of the photo.

And if you do click on it, you'll be able to see the happy guy standing on top of the mountain. Killer pic.

The nicest time change brings extra sleep

Have you heard? We're not saving daylight anymore. So if you see any, throw it out. It's just garbage now.

I'm pretty happy about this. I love when it gets dark before 5 pm. It makes the night seem expansive and exciting. Why, anything could happen at night. You know that's not true of the daytime. Daytime: bor-ing. Nighttime: fascinating.

So I approve of the time change. And this year, it's working to my advantage. I slipped into a late schedule by watching the baseball playoff games. Why they have to start at 8 pm, I don't know. But it made me go to sleep late and it's hard to get back on a normal sleep schedule.

But now that we're throwing daylight out, I'm already waking up at a reasonable hour. So I'm happy as a clam. How did it go for you? Longing for summer? Tch, tch, tch. But don't worry. It'll come back, and when it does, it'll be baseball season again!

Sweet!